Trick or Treat

TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN HAVING SEX

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
 9. Once you've done it, you don't have to wait an hour to do it again
 8. The uglier you look, the more likely you'll get some.
 7. You don't have to make small talk with the person who gave you the candy.
 6. The person giving it to you isn't fantasizing you're someone else.
 5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
 4. If you wear a mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
 3. Doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
 2. You don't have to call the person that gave it to you next week.

    and the #1 reason trick-or-treating is better than having sex...

 1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

0 to 200

Roger was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.  Patti was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Roger got up early and left for work. When Patti woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Roger have been scheduled for Friday. 

Turkey Day Joke

One year at Thanksgiving, my Mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.  Knowing how gullible my sister  is, my Mom decided to play a trick.   She told my sister that she needed something from the store.  When my sister left, my Mom took the turkey out of the oven and removed the stuffing. She then stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey and re-stuffed the turkey. She placed the bird(s) back in the oven and allowed them to finish cooking.  When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.  With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.  It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay egg!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!!

Bumper stickers

A man was being tailgated by a woman on a busy boulevard.  Suddenly,

the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

  He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he
could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

  The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, dropping her
cell phone and makeup and screaming in frustration as she missed her chance
to get through the intersection,.

  As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and
looked up into the face of a police officer.

  The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

  He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger
printed, photographed, and placed in a cell.

  After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened
the door.

  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

  He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of
you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

  "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would
Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the ' Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and
the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

  Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Neil Armstrong

ARMSTRONG

GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE - ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S A TRUE STORY.

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions. Then, just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no "Gorsky" in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa, Florida while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex? You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Politics

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also,since he lost his job four years ago, he hasn't even looked for a newone. All he does is buy big cigars and cruise around and shoots the breeze with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York for God 's sake! Act like one.

Optical Nerve

Information you have to have:

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects
the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is
responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your butt and
see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame

Coal Basket Lesson

COAL BASKET BIBLE
The story is told of an old man who lived
on a farm in the mountains of eastern Kentucky
with his young grandson.

Each morning, Grandpa was up early sitting
at the kitchen table reading from his old
worn-out Bible. His grandson, who wanted to
be just like him, tried to imitate him in
any way he could.

One day the grandson asked, "Papa, I try
to read the Bible just like you but I don't
understand it, and what I do understand I
forget as soon as I close the book. What
good does reading the Bible do?"

The Grandfather quietly turned from putting
coal in the stove and said, "Take this coal
basket down to the river and bring back a
basket of water."

The boy did as he was told, even though
all the water leaked out before he could
get back to the house. The grandfather
laughed and said, "You will have to move a
little faster next time," and sent him back
to the river with the basket to try again.

This time the boy ran faster, but again the
basket was empty before he returned home. Out
of breath, he told his grandfather that it
was "impossible to carry water in a basket,"
and he went to get a bucket instead.

The old man said, "I don't want a bucket of
water; I want a basket of water. You can do
this. You're just not trying hard enough,"
and he went out the door to watch the boy try
again. 

At this point, the boy knew it was impossible,
but he wanted to show his grandfather that
even if he ran as fast as he could, the water
would leak out before he got far at all. The
boy scooped the water and ran hard, but when
he reached his grandfather the basket was
again empty. Out of breath, he said, "See Papa,
it's useless!"

"So you think it is useless?" The old man
said, "Look at the basket." The boy looked
at the basket and for the first time he realized
that the basket looked different. Instead of a
dirty old coal basket, it was clean.

"Son, that's what happens when you read the
Bible. You might not understand or remember
everything you read, but, it will change you
from the inside out.

That is the work of God in our lives. To change
us from the inside out, and to slowly transform
us into the image of His son. Take time to read
a portion of God's word each day. For God so
loved the world that He sent His Only Begotten
Son for you and me.

  Praise God daily! 

ADAM

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." 

 
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river,
and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said,
"What's a headache"?

Third Graders

Three third graders -- an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid

are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie."

They all agree. The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Irish kid.   He whips his out.   His is a couple of inches longer.   Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out.   It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.   "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest!   The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly.
Is that true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey.   It's because you're twenty-three."

Reward ...

Sam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.  Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Edith's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. 

   
They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath - and their favorite clothes hung in the 
closet. 
 
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." 
 
Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. 
 
"Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." 
   
Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. 
 
"This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free - every day if you want to." 
  
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 
 
"Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven. It is all free for you to enjoy." 
  
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he 
asked. 
 
"That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is 
Heaven!" 
 
Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?" 
 
"Not unless you want to," was the answer. 
 
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or ...." 
 
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself." 
 
Sam glared at Edith and said, "You and your shitty bran muffins. We could have been here 15 years ago!"

Red Skelton Pledge 1969

How wise a man Red Skelton was, it is like he knew what people would try and do 36 yrs after he did this. 

Turn your sound on & click site below:
  Check this out!  Red Skelton, 1969
CLICK HERE

The Brick

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down

when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver
then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against
a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?" The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop..." With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother, "he said "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."
 
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.
 
It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not

Women...

  When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

 Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

 I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

 The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

TWO GUYS AT HOME DEPOT LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVES

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue
eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does  your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Jesus Is Watching

A burglar broke into a house one night.  He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.

After a couple of minutes of hearing nothing more, he shook his head and promised himself a vacation after the next big score.  Then he clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.   Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a Parrot.  "Did you say that?" He hissed at the Parrot.  "Yep," the Parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh?  Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."  

Rx

Trust me, Kim and I met several of these people on our cruise! They even had a contest for MS Idol.

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.   Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

How many F's

ALZHEIMER'S EYE TEST

Count every "F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

HOW MANY ?
..................... 3?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.

READ IT AGAIN !

Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning is:
The brain cannot process "OF".  Incredible or what?  Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Baby Boomer Blues

It must have been fun being a baby boomer  ... Until now. Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with  new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.  They  include:

1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown,  You've Got a Lovely Walker.

2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a  Broken Hip.

3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a  Flash.

4. Ringo  Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever  I Forgot Your Face.

6. Johnny Nash--- I  Can't See Clearly Now.

7. Paul Simon--- Fifty  Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three  Times to the Bathroom.

9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the  Grape Nuts.

10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

12. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a  Kidney Stone.

13. Abba--- Denture Queen.

14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On  The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

15. Helen  Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

16. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure,  and I'll Cry If I Want To.

17. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode  Again

Catholic Dog - Donation & Confession. :)

CATHOLIC DOG

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough
to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?
 
DONATION
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
 
CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

Husbands Funeral

A woman's husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely nothing left from the $30,000."

The friend asks, "How can that be?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church -- that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks -- you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" The widow says, "Four and a half carats."

Feminine Wiles

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and

decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, and reads
her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry,
officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the
equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. "I'll have to
take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you, " says the game warden. "That's true,
but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.

The leopard and the poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.  One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering  about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop  on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?",  but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me 
another leopard!

Thankyou Australia

This is an absolutely beautiful tribute to our United States of  America.  Say what you may ~ we still have the best country in the  world.  I thought this to be worthy of passing on.  And an Australian wrote it.   Many people love America - many people don't.  But it is what it is and  we are blessed (my humble opinion). Written by an Australian Dentist....and too good to  delete.... To Kill an American You probably missed it in the rush of news last  week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published  in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any  American. So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to  let everyone know what an American is . So they would know when they found  one. (Good one, mate!!!!) "An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German,  Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican,  African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or  Arab, or Pakistani or Afghan. An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee,  Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes  known as native Americans. An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or  Muslim. In  fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only  difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them  chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he  will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to  speak for the government and for God. An American lives in the most  prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the  Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each  person to the pursuit of happiness. An American is generous. Americans  have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of  need, never asking a thing in return. When Afghanistan was over-run by the  Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the  people to win back their country! As of the morning of September 11, Americans had  given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan. Americans welcome  the best of everything...the best products, the best books, the best music,  the best food, the best services. But they also welcome the  least. The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty , welcomes  your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the  homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built  America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of  September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. It's been told  that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries,  cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the  terrorists. < BR> So you can try to kill an American if you must.  Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and other  blood-thirsty tyrants in the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing  yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular  place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who  holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American. Please keep this  going! Pass  this around the World ? Then  pass it around again. It says  it all, for all of us And did you know, Australia is the only country  that has stood by the United States through all  wars?

Koala and Lizard get Stoned

Koala and Lizard get Stoned

A koala is sitting up a gum tree! ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After ! a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

CATS & DOGS

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height: ****************************************************

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years, canine or feline

attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets,

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3. Are easier to train

4. Usually come when called

5. Never drive your car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't wear your clothes

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

---

Kitty

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.  A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the backyard with my kitty cat and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must have been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", replied the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff, and before he could say 'fuck', the rottweiler ate him!"

God and the Marine

Got to love those Marines!

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's troops who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. ................So, He sent me."

 

Whee!

THIS IS GOOD!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5609968454281122139

French Fun

France - The real view

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--General George S. Patton

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"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf

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"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."

--Marge Simpson

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"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."

--Jacques Chirac, President of France



"As far as France is concerned, you're right."

--Rush Limbaugh

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"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."

--Regis Philbin

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"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."

-- John McCain , U.S. Senator from Arizona

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"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."

--David Letterman

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"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada ."

--Ted Nugent

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"War without France would be like ... World War II."

--Unknown

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"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.'"

--Tom Brokaw

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"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"

--Dennis Miller

---- --------------------------

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."

--Alan Kent

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"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."

--Argus Hamilton

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"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'"

--Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

-----------------------------

"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq "

--Dennis Miller

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Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

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"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried."

--Rep. R. Blount, MO

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"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining."

--John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

------------------------------

The AP and UPI reported that the French government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

------------------------------

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

Food For Thought

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work.  Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other.  What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it:

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net.  Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business.  He was telling whom-ever he was talking with something about "a thousand marbles." I was intrigued and stopped to   listen to what he had to say

"Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much.  Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet.  It's too bad you missed your daughter's "dance recital" he continued.  "Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities." And that's when he began to explain his theory of a "thousand marbles."

"You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic.  The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years.   "Now the n,  I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3 900, which is the number of  Saturdays that the  average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part.

It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail", he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays." "I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy.

So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had.  I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear."  "Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight."

"Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time."  "It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band.  This is a 75 Year old Man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!"

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off.  I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter.   Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. "C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast." "What brought this on?" she asked with a smile. "Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I need to buy some marbles.

A friend sent this to me, so I to you, my friend. And so, as one smart bear once said..."If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." - Winnie the Pooh.

The Farm Kid

Dear Ma and Pa,

  I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you have to stay in bed till nearly 6 AM, but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you got to do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so  it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.  This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges.
They come in boxes.
     Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get  onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Beth Ann

Little girl takes a construction job

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time..... A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those cocksuckers at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!" Kinda brings a tear to the eye.....

Grandpa

A grandson came to visit his grandparents & noticed his
grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocker, wearing
only a shirt, naked from the waist down.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doing? Your weenie's out in t
he wind for all to see!" he exclaimed.  Grandpa
looked off in the distance, not answering. 

"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

Grandpa looked at him & said,
"Last week I sat out here with no shirt on & got a stiff neck.
 This is your grandma's idea..." 

Coffin

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...
FASTER...

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP..
clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

The coffin stops

One...

Here is good joke for you.

 

See if you can guess what the item is?

 

One man made it and does not want it.

 

One man needs it and does not know he needs it.

 

Everyone needs one, but never wants one.

 

What is it?

 

A casket!

College Problem Solving Exam

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round

Fun On The Job

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)  When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.  About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.

The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.

Cake or Bed

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?  IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?  DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?  I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?  IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?  DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?  I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?  THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS.  HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?  I DON'T THINK SO.  I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.  I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! 

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS....................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.  JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?  I DON'T THINK SO!

Retirement

And they ask why I like retirement....?????

Question: How many days in a Retiree week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
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Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
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Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
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Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
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Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
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Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.
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Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
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Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
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Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
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Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
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Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never-ending Coffee Break.
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Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.