Drafting Guys Over 60

New Direction for the war on terrorists.
Send Prior Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m.

Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now: 'Get down and give me ... er .. one.'

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night.

DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE

1)     When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in
his sleep.  Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

                           --Author Unknown

2)     Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and
'Keep away from children'

                        --Author Unknown

3)     'Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that.  It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'

                       --Drew Carey

4)     'The problem with the designated driver program, it's  not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.'

                   --Jeff Foxworthy

5)     'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base.'

                     --Dave Barry

6)     'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,.......and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give  you  two weeks notice. There should be severance
pay.......the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp.'

                     --Bob Ettinger

7)     'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took  her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat.  I said, 'Mom,they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim.''

                   --Paula Poundstone

8)     'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men.  I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

                 --Unknown Author

9)     'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?  I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
learner.'

                     --Lynda Montgomery

10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started.  Bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.''

                        --Richard Jeni

11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead.'

                          --Johnny Carson

12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'

                  -- Paul Rodriguez

13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and
that's the law.'

                        -- Jerry Seinfeld

14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you
have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?'

            --Warren Hutcherson

15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.'

                        --Oscar Wilde

16) 'Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself.'

                             --Mark Twain

17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At least
they can find Afghanistan.'

        --A. Whitney Brown

18) 'Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place.'

                                --Billy Crystal

19) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!''

                            --Dave Barry


20) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because  ' Mad Cow Disease' was
taken.

                         --Unknown, presumed deceased