Bring Your Prescription

A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would
like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Bag Lady

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, andevery once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto
the pavement.

 Noticing this, a policeman stopsher...."Ma'am,
there are $20 bills falling out of thatbag..."

 "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go
back and see if I can still find some. Thanks forthe warning!"

 "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you
get all that money? Did you steal it?"

 "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back
yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time
there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my
flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks
his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

 "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good
luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

 "Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them
pay!"

Bad Monday

A good friend of mine sent me this explanation of how BAD his Monday was.
He said he had a car accident and then got into a fight and got arrested.


I asked him how that all happened - his answer is below:



My Monday morning:

I rear-ended a car this morning in traffic.

We both pulled over to the side of the road.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF !

He walked over to me, looked up at me, and said, "I am NOT happy !!"

So I said, "Well then, which one ARE you ??"

That's how the fight started....

Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains
without water. His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his
last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of
thesand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers
what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary
genie.She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency)
ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook.She has a pencil
tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie. . "You know how I work. . . .You
have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. . . "I'm not going to
trust a FEMA genie."
"What do you hav e to lose? You've got no transportation, and it
looks likeyou're a goner anyway!"The cowboy thinks about
this for aminute, and decides that the genie isright.
"OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink
."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies
.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams ."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a
good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says . . ."I wish
that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me ."
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:If the government offers you
anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Redneck Love Poem

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

Wedding night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

 Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

 On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

 He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask... so... whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

 A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'

 More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... 'You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegable? '