Ten Thoughts To Ponder For 2008

Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use
the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky -- Not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax
cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2008 :
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among
millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to
where terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of
Agriculture in charge of Homeland Security.

" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers.
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow " .

Eating Tips for the Holidays

 1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

 

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

 

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

 

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission .

 

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

 

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. 

You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. 

 

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

 

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of

 each.  Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

 

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the

 mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

 

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. 

Start over. But hurry... January is just around the corner!

 

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT b e a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"