The day of the Priate

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."   "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."   "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."   The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"   The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."   "What about that eye patch?"   "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."   "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."   "It was my first day with the hook."

Clocks

Clocks A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.  Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.' 'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'  St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.' 'Where's President Obama's clock?' asked the man. Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.  He's using it as a ceiling fan.