Living in 2007

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1.  You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2.  You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.  You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of  three.

4.  You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5.  Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6.  You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7.  Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8.  Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.  

10.  You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11.  You start tilting your head sideways to smile.  : )

12.  You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13.  Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15.  You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to! 

A must read !!!

What goes around comes around.
I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow,
a week from now, a month from now, a year from now...

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and 4 yr old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

The family ate together every night at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about father," said the son. "I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor."

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl!

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?"

Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life.."

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.!


The Candle Of Love, Hope & Friendship

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The game is on....

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

Good way to start the day

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HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

  1. Open a new file in your computer.

  2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"

  3. Send it to the trash.

  4. Empty the trash.

  5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?"

  6. Firmly Click "Yes

  7. Feel better.

Surgery

A very sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she
wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose
and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery
be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three
roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she
immediately called in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to
tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality
and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went
through this all by yourself.
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery
and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some
time ago.
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to
thank you for his new ears."

True Friendship

"True Friendship"
(With none of that Sissy Stuff!!!!)
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true
friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
just the stone cold truth of our friendship.
1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry sucker who made you that way.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how
much
worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy a*s.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask?,
"Because you are my friend".
 Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it,
but only
you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you
can
only think of four!!! (don't send it back to me...I don't want to hear
it!!!) And remember....when life hands you Lemons, get some tequila and
salt and call me

Tavern vs. Church

The story is told of a man who got a permit to open the first 
tavern (bar) in a small town.  

The members of a local church were strongly opposed to the bar, 
so they began to pray that God would intervene. 

A few days before the tavern was scheduled to open, lightning 
hit the structure and it burned to the ground. The people of the 
church were surprised but pleased - until they received notice 
that the would-be tavern owner was suing them. 

He contended that their prayers were responsible for the burning
of the building. They denied the charge. 

At the conclusion of the preliminary hearing, the judge wryly 
remarked, "At this point I don't know what my decision will be, 
but it seems that the tavern owner believes in the power of prayer 
and these church people don't!"

They Walk Among Us

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are 

things  people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now 
published  by court reporters who had the 'torment of staying calm' while these
exchanges were actually taking place. Who said being in court can't be fun. 

Supposedly these are right off the
court recorders tape.
 

 

.
 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 _______________________________
 ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
 WITNESS: July 18Th.
 ATTORNEY: What year?
 WITNESS: Every year.
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reebok's.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget.
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 _________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
 WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
 ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
 WITNESS: Forty-five years.
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
 WITNESS: We both do.
 ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
 WITNESS: We do.
 ATTORNEY: You do?
 WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
 ____________________________________
 A ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his 
sleep,
 he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
 ________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture
 was taken?
 WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8Th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Uh....
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death.
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
 notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________
  ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
 people?
 WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be 'oral', OK? What school did you go 
to?
 WITNESS: Oral.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
 autopsy on him!
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Huh?
 ____________________________________________
 And the best for last :
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
 pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you 
began
 the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
 law.

Letter

Dearest Redneck Son,
 I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We
don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we
moved.
 I won't be able to send you the address because the last West
Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldn't have to change their address.
 This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm
not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We
haven't seen them since.
 The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week;
the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
 About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob
said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so
we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
 Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really
worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
 Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what
it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
 Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men
tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him
cremated, he burned for three days..
 Three of your friends went off a bridge
in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam
to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because
they couldn't get the tailgate down!
 There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the
normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

Favorite Joke From May

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
Priest beside her, "Father,may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you,dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face,Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!




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