MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's
hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of
wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's 'Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)


'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's
hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of
wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's 'Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders his 5-day, 10 lb.weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the
next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs
himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next
day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign aroun d her neck that reads,
'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go
for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass
is mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week .

Political Correctness!

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading  America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans, Arkansans and  West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS  .

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a

'  BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5 She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

'  VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

'  LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a  'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

'  OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He   '  INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's  'REAR CLEAVAGE.'