Friday, December 07, 2012

Fwd: Fw: Fwd: FW: Company Christmas party memos It is worth the read.


  Company Memo
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    Nov 1, 2012
RE:       Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. 
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Company Memo
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    November 2, 2012
RE:       Gala  Holiday  Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. 
However, from now on,  we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. 
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
 Company Memo
FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All Employees
DATE:   November 3, 2012
RE:         Holiday  Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name... 
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that  reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
 Company Memo
FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:        All Employees
DATE:   November 4, 2012
RE:        Generic  Holiday  Party
What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. 
There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Company Memo
FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All F*%^ing Employees
DATE:    November  5, 2012
RE:         The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. 
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
 Company Memo
FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:   November  6, 2012
RE:       Patty Lewis and  Holiday  Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party.
Happy Whatever!

Friday, November 02, 2012

Ice cream

This is for all the grandfathers out there.
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food,
and I would even thank you more
if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.
And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby,
I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country.
Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me,
"Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him,
an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said,
"I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added
(indicating the woman whose remark
had started this whole thing),
"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.
A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal.
My grand-son stared at his for a moment,
and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word,
walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her,
"Here, this is for you.
Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

Monday, May 14, 2012

Lots of laughs

A Sunday  school teacher was telling her class the story of the  Good
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside,  all
wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl  broke
the hushed silence, 
"I think I'd throw up.."

A Sunday  school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing  when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he,
with just  two worms." 

A Sunday School teacher  decided to have her young class memorize one of
the most quoted passages  in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the
youngsters a month to learn the  chapter. Little Rick was excited about
the task - but he just couldn't  remember the Psalm. After much practice,
he could barely get past the  first line. On the day that the kids were
scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in  front of the 
congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he  stepped up
to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd,  and that's
all I need to know."

The  preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused
and  bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day,  she
asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was  so
observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a  good
sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

A Rabbi  said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your
prayers  for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The  little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

When my  daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every
family  member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).. For
several  weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would
say, "And  all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to
include this  closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,
"Kelli, why do  you always add the part about 
all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their  prayers
by saying 'All Men'!"

Little  Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's  house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food
was being served.  When Little Johnny received his plate, he started
eating right away.  "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said
his mother. "I don't  need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do" his
mother insisted. "We  always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house."  Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house
and she knows how to  cook.

Did you know  that... When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache.
When you open it,  he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints.
Let's read the  Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one day
he'll have a  stroke and
never  wake up. And did you also know that when you are about to forward
this  email to others, The devil will discourage you but forward  it




Friday, September 16, 2011


President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check.
As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America!!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, and monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must
insist on seeing ID"
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check."
Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.  With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:
"Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

Friday, August 12, 2011

The Family Farm

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook."