One Liners to remember

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on

Saturday night. --Rodney Dangerfield
 
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
500SL." --Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --Camille
Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are
unimportant." --George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship." --Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." --Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack
Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks ...or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush

"Ah, yes... divorce: From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" --Billy
Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful." --Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little sex advice in men's magazines, because men think:
I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!" --Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up
whom." --Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy." --Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman...
stuff you pay good money for in later life."--Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar
Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
--George Burns

CHINESE PROVERBS

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Man who run in front of car get tired.
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
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Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement!
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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Now send it to 10 or more people.
Nothing will happen but 10 people will laugh
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Where Do Pets Come From?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.   And it was a good animal.  And God was pleased.  And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.  And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."   And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.  And they were comforted.  And God was pleased.  And Dog was content and wagged his tail.   After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."  And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,  they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.   And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a sh__ one way or the other.