God's Wife

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the  contest was to find the most caring  child.
The  winner was:
A  four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife.  Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into  the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and  just sat there.
When  his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just  helped him cry.'
*********************************************
Teacher  Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was  adopted.
A  little girl said, 'I know all about adoption, I was adopted..'
'What  does it mean to be adopted?', asked another  child.
'It  means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your  mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'
*********************************************
On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League  base ball game that was being played in a park near  my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the  score was
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered with a  smile. 'Really,'  I said. 'I have to say you don't look very  discouraged.'
'Discouraged?',  the boy asked with a puzzled look on his  face...
'Why  should we be discou raged? We haven't been up to bat yet.'
*********************************************
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
On the  day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,  eyes shining with pride and excitement.  'Guess  what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words  that will remain a lesson to me.....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
*********************************************
An eye  witness account from New York City , on a cold day  in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My - but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'  
'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a  basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them  to her.
She  took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.  She  tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No  doubt, you will be more comfortable  now.'
As she  turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the  hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her.
'Are  you God's wife?'

Great Quote!

"We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love." Mother Teresa

Little Rabbit

A precocious little girl missing two front teeth, walks into a pet shop
and says to the shopkeeper, 'Excuthe me, mithter, do you have widdle
wabbits?'
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level and asks, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft
and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit
over there?'
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says, in a quiet voice, 'You know, mithter, I don't
think my python will weally give a thyit.'

Ole and Lena

OLE AND LENA:
Ole, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right in the  crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it doc?. . . I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancie, Lena , is still a wirgin - in every vay'. The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.' He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together . Quite an impressive work of art. Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful untouched breasts. She said, 'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.' Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis, still in da CRATE!'

This Explains It!

This explains why I forward jokes. 




A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

 

  

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. 

 

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

  

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.  

 

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

  

 

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.  

 

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked 

  

 

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

 

 

 

 

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

 

 

 

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

 

 

 

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

 

 

 

 

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.  

 

 

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

 

 

 

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.  

 

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

 

 

 

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

 

 

 

 

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.  

 

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

 

 

 

 

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

  

 

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

 

 

 

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

 

 

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

 

 

 

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

 

  

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

  

 

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

  

 

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'  

 

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

 

 

Soooo  

 

 

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

  

Maybe this will explain.

  

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.  

 

 

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.  

 

 

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

  

 

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?  

 

A forwarded joke.

  

 

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

 

 

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime

And then the fight started .....

Fights start in the most innocent ways!



On the lighter side:

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....

And then the fight started....

************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.  The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.  I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and  come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt".

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.  She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants.  You might have gotten disability, too!"

And then the fight started.....

***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.....

***********************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning.  So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.  You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?  Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

THE SNEEZE

THE SNEEZE

They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium.
With their rich maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps, they
looked almost as grown up as they felt.

Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears. This class would NOT pray during the commencements ---not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.
The principal and several students were careful to stay within the
guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and
challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.

The speeches were nice, but they were routine until the final speech
received a standing ovation.

A solitary student walked proudly to the micro phone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then it happened.
All 92 students, every single one of them, SNEEZED!!!!
The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said,
'GOD BLESS YOU'. And he walked off stage.

The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.

Isn't this a wonderful story? Pass it on to all your friends and
 GOD BLESS YOU!!! This is a true story.
It happened at the University of Maryland .

BUSH'S RESIGNATION SPEECH

BUSH'S RESIGNATION SPEECH
 
The following 'speech' was written recently by an ordinary Maineiac [a resident of the People's Republic of Maine]. While satirical in nature, all satire must have a basis in fact to be effective. This is an excellent piece by a person who does not write for a living.
 
The speech George W. Bush might give:

Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow Americans.' Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer. 
 
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.
 
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
 
Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners, including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton administration. I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.

Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beach front property than your economic security.
  
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this 'blood for oil' thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied; People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.

Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named 'Clinton' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you? Now some of you morons are considering another and more evil Clinton for president !!!! Go figure that one!! She wants to take your kids away and let the 'Whole Village' raise them! I.e. Governmental indoctrination .. Look this one up you dumb asses!
  
The rest of you morons want to be led by a junior senator with no understanding of foreign policy or economics, and this nitwit says we should attack Pakistan, a nuclear ally.  And then he wants to go to Iran and make peace with a terrorist who says he's going to destroy us. While he's doing that, he wants to give Iraq to al Qaeda, Afghanistan to the Taliban, Israel to the Palestinians, and your money to the IRS so the government can give welfare to illegal aliens, who he will make into citizens, so they can vote to re-elect him.  He also thinks it's okay for Iran to have nuclear weapons, and we should stop our foreign aid to Israel. Did you sleep through high school? 
 
You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to out spend and out-tech them.

That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the bastards are all over the globe.
  
You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'

Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.
  
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
 
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times, USA Today, or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol or Dancing with Stars.
 
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.

I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.
  
So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient for years. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.

Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.
  
So that's it. God bless what's left of America.
 
Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, kiss off.
 
PS - You might want to start learning Farsi, and buy a Koran

Some interesting info

Are we THAT stupid?     
Part 1

In just one year. Remember the election in 2006?
Thought you might like to read the following:
A little over one year ago:

1) Consumer confidence stood at a 2 1/2 year high;
2) Regular gasoline sold for $2.19 a gallon;
3) The unemployment rate was 4.5%.

Since voting in a Democratic Congress in 2006 we have seen:

1) Consumer confidence plummet;
2) The cost of regular gasoline soar to over $3.50 a gallon;
3) Unemployment is up to 5% (a 10% increase);
4) American households have seen $2.3 trillion in equity value evaporate (stock and mutual fund losses);
5) Americans have seen their home equity drop by $1.2 trillion dollars;
6) 1% of American homes are in foreclosure.

America voted for change in 2006, and we got it! (Mzzzz. Pelosi should be PROUD!)

Remember it's Congress that makes law not the President. He has to work with what's handed to him.

Quote of the Day........'My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it.' -- Barack Obama

 

Part 2:

Taxes...Whether Democrat or a Republican you will find these statistics enlightening and amazing.
www.taxfoundation.org/publications/show/151.html

Taxes under Clinton 1999 Taxes under Bush 2008
Single making 30K - tax $8,400 Single making 30K - tax $4,500
Single making 50K - tax $14,000 Single making 50K - tax $12,500
Single making 75K - tax $23,250 Single making 75K - tax $18,750
Married making 60K - tax $16,800 Married making 60K- tax $9,000
Married making 75K - tax $21,000 Married making 75K - tax $18,750
Married making 125K - tax $38,750 Married making 125K - tax $31,250

Both democratic candidates will return to the higher tax rates

 

It is amazing how many people that fall into the categories above think Bush is screwing them and Bill Clinton was the greatest President ever. If Obama or Hillary are elected, they both say they will repeal the Bush tax cuts and a good portion of the people that fall into the categories above can't wait for it to happen. This is like the movie The Sting with Paul Newman; you scam somebody out of some money and they don't even know what happened.

PART 3:

You think the war in Iraq is costing us too much? Read this:

Boy, am I confused. I have been hammered with the propaganda that it is the Iraq war and the war on terror that is bankrupting us. I now find that to be RIDICULOUS.

I hope the following 14 reasons are forwarded over and over again until they are read so many times that the reader gets sick of reading them. I have included the URL's for verification of all the following facts.

1. $11 Billion to $22 billion is spent on welfare to illegal aliens each year by state governments.

Verify at: http://tinyurl.com/zob77

2. $2.2 Billion dollars a year is spent on food assistance programs such as food stamps, WIC, and free school lunches for illegal aliens.

Verify at: http://www.cis..org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html

3. $2.5 Billion dollars a year is spent on Medicaid for illegal aliens.
Verify at: http://www.cis..org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html

4. $12 Billion dollars a year is spent on primary and secondary school education for children here illegally and they cannot speak a word of English!
Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.0.html

5. $17 Billion dollars a year is spent for education for the American-born children of illegal aliens, known as anchor babies.
Verify at http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html

6. $3 Million Dollars a DAY is spent to incarcerate illegal aliens.
Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html

7. 30% percent of all Federal Prison inmates are illegal aliens.
Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html

8. $90 Billion Dollars a year is spent on illegal aliens for Welfare & social services by the American taxpayers.

Verify at: http://premium.cnn.com/TRANSCIPTS/0610/29/ldt.01.html

9. $200 Billion Dollars a year in suppressed American wages are caused by the illegal aliens.

Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html

10. The illegal aliens in the United States have a crime rate that's two and a half times that of white non-illegal aliens. In particular,
their children, are going to make a huge additional crime problem in the US
Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0606/12/ldt.01.html

11. During the year of 2005 there were 4 to 10 MILLION illegal aliens that crossed our Southern Border also, as many as 19,500 illegal aliens from Terrorist Countries. Millions of pounds of drugs, cocaine, meth, heroin and marijuana, crossed into the U. S from the Southern border.

Verify at: Homeland Security Report: http://tinyurl.com/t9sht

12. The National Policy Institute, 'estimated that the total cost of mass deportation would be between $206 and $230 billion or an average
cost of between $41 and $46 billion annually over a five year period.'
Verify at: http://www.nationalpolicyinstitute.org/pdf/deportation.pdf

13. In 2006 illegal aliens sent home $45 BILLION in remittances back to their countries of origin.
Verify at: http://www.rense.com/general75/niht.htm

14. 'The Dark Side of Illegal Immigration: Nearly One Million Sex Crimes Committed by Illegal Immigrants In The United States.'
Verify at: http://www.drdsk.com/articleshtml

The total cost is a whopping $ 338.3 BILLION

Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a
divorce for him.
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and a half a nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It is made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a grudge?
No, we have a carport, and not need one.
I mean, what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She is going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at a drugstore and put it
on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says "Polish Remover"

We're all a little crazy!

During a visit to the mental institution, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed near the window?"

Galatians 6:7 God is almighty!!!

Galatians 6:7 states the following:

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man
soweth, that shall he also reap.


Here are some men and women who mocked God :

John Lennon (Singer):
Some years before, during his interview with an American
Magazine, he said: 'Christianity will end, it will disappear. I do
not have to argue about that. I am certain. J esus was ok, but his
subjects were too simple, Today we are more famous than Him' (1966)
Lennon, after saying that the Beatles were more famous than
Jesus Christ, was shot six times.


Tancredo Neves (President of Brazil ):
During the Presidential campaign, he said if he got 500,000
votes from his party, not even God would remove him from Presidency.

Sure he got the votes, but he got sick a day before being made
President, then he died.


Cazuza (Bi-sexual Brazilian composer, singer and poet):
During A show in Canecio ( Rio de Janeiro ), while smoking his
cigarette, he puffed out some smoke into the air and said: "God, that's
for you."
He died at the age of 32 of AIDS in a horrible manner.


The man who built the Titanic
After the construction of Titanic, a reporter asked him how safe
the Titanic would be. With an ironic tone he said: 'Not even God can
sink it."
The result: I think you all know what happened to the Titanic .


Marilyn Monroe (Actress)
She was visited by Billy Graham during a presentation of a show.
He said the Spirit of God had sent him to preach to her. After
hearing what the Preacher had to say, she said: 'I don't need your
Jesus'.

A week later, she was found dead in her apartment .


Bon Scott (Singer)
The ex-vocalist of the AC/DC. On one of his 1979 songs he sang:
'Don't stop me, I'm going down all the way, down the highway to hell'.

On the 19th of February 1980, Bon Scott was found dead, he
had been choked by his own vomit.


Campinas (IN 2005)
In Campinas, Brazil a group of friends, drunk, went to pick up a
friend.....The mother accompanied her to the car and was so worried
about the drunkenness of her friends and she said to the daughter
holding her hand, who was already seated in the car:

'My Daughter, Go With God And May He Protect You..' She
responded: 'Only If He (God) travels in the trunk, cause inside
here.....it's already full '

Hours later, news came by that they had been involved in a fatal
accident, everyone had died,
the car could not be recognized what type of car it had been,
but surprisingly, the trunk was intact.
The police said there was no way the trunk could have remained
intact. To their surprise, inside the trunk was a crate of eggs, none
was broken.

Christine Hewitt Jamaican Journalist and entertainer Said the
Bible (Word of God) was the worst book ever written.

In June 2006 she was found burnt beyond recognition in her
motor vehicle.

Many more important people have forgotten that there is no other name that was given so much authority as the name of Jesus. Many have died, but only Jesus died and rose again, and he is still alive.

Jesus is the soon coming Savior.

, Jesus said: 'If you are embarrassed of
me before men, I will also be embarrassed of you before My Father.'


'Lord, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, and bless
me, my family, my home, and my friends, in Jesus' name. Amen.'

Husbands

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.  He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.  I want her to know what I go through.  So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.  Amen!"

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.  The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.  He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,

Awakened the kids, 
Set out their school clothes, 
Fed them breakfast, 
Packed their lunches, 
Drove them to school, 
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, 
Took it to the cleaners 
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping, 
Then drove home to put away the groceries, 
Paid the bills and balanced the check book. 
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. 
Then, it was already 01P.M. 
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, 
Dust, 
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor. 
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. 
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. 
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. 
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, 
He cleaned the kitchen, 
Ran the dishwasher, 
Folded laundry, 
Bathed the kids, 
And put them to bed. 
At 09 P.M . 
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.  The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.  I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.  Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.  Amen!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.  You'll just have to wait nine months, though.  You got pregnant last night." 

This has been voted Women's Favourite E-mail of the Year! 

Anniversaries......

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.  She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.  She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' <BR><BR>The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses.  The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have gotten out today.'

ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.  The priest ask, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?

Yes, Father it is.

And who was the woman you were with?

I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.  Was ! it Tina Minetti?

I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?

I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capeli?

I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.  You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?  Four months vacation and five good leads.

Wrong e-mail address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.  Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.  The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.  He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me.  They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.  I've just arrived and have been checked in.  I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

Witness

A man walks into a bank, gets in line and when it was his turn he pulled

out a gun and robs the bank.  But just to make sure he leaves no
witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line:  "Did
you see me rob this bank?" to which the customer replies "Yes!"
 
The bank robber raises his gun, points it at the customer's head and
BANG!!, shoots and kills him.
 
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "Did
you see me rob this bank???"
 
The man calmly replies, "No, but my wife did."

Sheriff Joe (This is TRUE)

You all remember Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona , who painted the jail cells
pink and made the inmates wear pink prison garb.
Well.........


SHERIFF JOE IS AT IT AGAIN!


Oh, there's MUCH more to know about Sheriff Joe!

Maricopa County was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray animals, like cats and

dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department over, and the County Supervisors said okay.

The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They feed and care for the

strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and walked twice daily. He now has prisoners who

are experts in animal nutrition and behavior. They give great classes for anyone who'd like to adopt

an animal. He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and

had them place in dog shows.

The best part? His budget for the entire department is now under $3 million. Teresa and I adopted

a Weimaraner from a Maricopa County shelter two years ago. He was neutered, and current on all

shots, in great health, and even had a microchip inserted the day we got him. Cost us $78.

The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most would work for free, just

to be out of their cells for the day. Most of his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He

pays the prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals.

I have long wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the way he runs the jail

system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge farm, donated to the county years ago, where

inmates can work, and they grow most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work
and harvesting by hand. He has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and fertilizer.

It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners work, and you can buy a living Christmas

tree for $6 - $8 for the Holidays, and plant it later. We have six trees in our yard from the Prison.

Yup, he was reelected last year with 83% of the vote.

Now he's in trouble with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and vehicles with a mural, that

has a special hotline phone number painted on it, where you can call and report suspected illegal

aliens. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40

deputies trained specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his hotline, and bought 4 new

buses just for hauling folks back to the border. He's kind of a 'Git-R Dun' kind of Sheriff.



TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO, HE IS THE MARICOPA, ARIZONA

COUNTY SHERIFF , WHERE HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER.

HERE ARE SOME OF THE REASONS WHY:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio (In Arizona ) who created the ' Tent City Jail':

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving, and now charges the inmates for them.

No smoking or porno magazines are allowed in the jails.

Took away the prisoners weights

Cut off all but 'G' movies.

;He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a Federal Court Order that required cable

TV for jails so he hooked up the cable TV again, but only let in the Disney Channel and

The Weather Channel. When asked why The Weather Channel, he replied, 'So they will know

how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.'

He also cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value. When the inmates complained, he told

them, 'This isn't the Ritz/Carlton.....If you don't like it, don't come back.'

He bought Newt Gingrich's lecture series on videotape and he pipes it into the jails. When asked by

a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a Democratic lecture series

might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.

More On The Arizona Sheriff:

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record),

the Associated Press Reports:

About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County

Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts. On

Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted

in the tents, where it reached 138 degrees inside the week before.

Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down

to their PINK SOCKS. 'It feels like we are in a furnace,' said James Zanzot, an inmate who has
lived in the TENTS for 1 year. 'It's Inhumane.'

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city, and long ago started making his prisoners

wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told

all of the inmates:

'It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear,
But they didn't commit any crimes to get there, so shut your mouths!'

Way To Go, Sheriff!

Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals

should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and

commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't

afford to have for themselves.

No Bull. . . . .

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.  We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,    

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

 

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

 

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

 

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,

in capital letters,

 

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

 

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

'That's once a day   ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 

'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow every day!.' 

 

My condition has been upgraded from critical

 to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

The Brick

Note from James:  I try not to post repeats, of which this one I think I have posted before, but had to because the story is so inspiring and really puts into context one of the bigger threats to western culture... our own tunnel vision, enjoy!

Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...

"If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. "

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was

traveling down a neighborhood street,

going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar.

He was watching for kids darting out

from between parked cars

and slowed down when he thought he saw something.

As his car passed, no children appeared.

Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!

He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to

the spot where the brick had been thrown.

The angry driver then jumped out of the car,

grabbed the nearest kid and

pushed him up against a parked car shouting,

"What was that all about and who are you?

Just what the heck are! you doing?

That's a new car and that brick you threw is

going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"

The young boy was apologetic.

"Please, mister..please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,"

He pleaded.

"I threw the brick because no one else would stop..."

With tears dripping down his face

and off his chin, the youth pointed to a

spot just around a parked car.

"It's my brother," he said.

"He rolled off the curb and fell

out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive,

"Would you please help me get him back into his

wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling

lump in his throat

He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into

the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the

fresh scrapes and cuts.

A quick look told him everything was going to be okay..

"Thank you and may God bless you,"

the grateful child told the stranger.

Too shook up for words, the man simply watched

the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the

sidewalk toward their home

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar.

The damage was very noticeable,

but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side

door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message

"Don't go through life so fast that someone

has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!"

God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts.

Sometimes when we don't have time to listen,

He has to throw a brick at us.

It's our choice to listen or not.

Thought for the Day:

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring.

He sends you a sunrise every morning.

Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!

Send this to every "beautiful person" you wish to

bless, . God didn't promise days without

pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He

did promise strength for the day,

comfort for the tears, and light for the way.