Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0
to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new
program began unexpected child processing
that took up a lot of space and valuable
resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself
into all other programs and now monitors
all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0,
Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife  1.0 in the
background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about
going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the
uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men
complain about. Many people upgrade from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that
it is just a Utilities and Entertainment
program. Wife  1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete
Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the
program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because
Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look
in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0
and work on improving the situation. I suggest
installing the background application "Yes Dear"
to alleviate software augmentation. The best
course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have
to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to
be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with
several support programs, such as Clean and
Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these
programs. Improper use will cause the system
to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this
happens, the only way to improve the performance
of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.
I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances,
install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This
application is not supported by Wife 1.0
and will cause irreversible damage to the
operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Great Radio

I bought a new 2007 Cadillac and returned to the  dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the  radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!" he said, "Nelson"!

The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
 

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instan t "Georgia on My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.

 

I drove away happy, and for  the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful  classical music, and if  I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome  songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Assholes!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to  play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael  Moore and The Dixie Chicks,  with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Barbara Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this car!

BK christmas

ok this will be (I think) my one and only christmas joke thing.

go to this link - you might have already seen it.

http://www.gdd.net/bkholiday/index.php

Christmas soldier

               T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

 HE LIVED ALL ALONE,

 IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF

 PLASTER AND STONE.


 

 I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY

 WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,

 AND TO SEE JUST WHO

 IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.


 

 I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,

 A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,

 NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,

 NOT EVEN A TREE.


 

 NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,

 JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,

 ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES

 OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.


 

 WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,

 AWARDS OF ALL KINDS, A SOBER THOUGHT

 CAME THROUGH MY MIND.


 

 FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,

 IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,

 I FOUND THE HOME OF A MARINE,

 ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.


 

 THE MARINE LAY SLEEPING,

 SILENT AND ALONE,

 CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR

 IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.


 

 THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,

 THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,

 NOT HOW I PICTURED

 A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.


 

 WAS THIS THE HERO

 OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?

 CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,

 THE FLOOR FOR A BED?


 

 I REALIZED THE FAMILIES

 THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,

 OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS

 WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.


 

 SOON ROUND THE WORLD,

 THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,

 AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE

 A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.


 

 THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM

 EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,

 BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,

 LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.


 

 I COULDN'T HELP WONDER

 HOW MANY LAY ALONE,

 ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE

 IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.


 

 THE VERY THOUGHT

 BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,

 I DROPPED TO MY KNEES

 AND STARTED TO CRY.


 

 THE MARINE AWAKENED

 AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,

 "SANTA DON'T CRY,

 THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE";


 

 I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,

 I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,

 MY LIFE IS MY GOD,

 MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."


 

 THE MARINE ROLLED OVER

 AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,

 I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,

 I CONTINUED TO WEEP.


 

 I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,

 SO SILENT AND STILL

 AND WE BOTH SHIVERED

 FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.


 

 I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE

 ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,

 THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR

 SO WILLING TO FIGHT.


 

 THEN THE MARINE ROLLED OVER,

 WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,

HE WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,

 IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."


 

 ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,

 AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.

 "MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,

 AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT

Yard Work

I was doing garden work this weekend and my wife was about to take a
shower.
I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife,
"Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye,  
then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. 
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast,
then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?" 
She replies, 
>
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> "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"