Spegg or Ermm?

What do you get when you cross an egg with a sperm?

An omlette you probably shouldn't eat.

RETIREMENT FUN

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop.

I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come On, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket.  This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health!

 

Blonde Jokes

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108

 

December
Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven"
Button on the stupid phone!!!
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,
opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by he r actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

---

The little old lady

A young man shopping in a supermarket
Noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout,
And she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
"Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,
It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout,
And as she was on her way out of the store,
The man called out,

"Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled
Back at him

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine
Into someone's day, he went to pay for his
Groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ...
I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied,
"Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!