New Direction for the war on terrorists.
Send Prior Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now: 'Get down and give me ... er .. one.'
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Drafting Guys Over 60
DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in
his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and
'Keep away from children'
--Author Unknown
3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
--Drew Carey
4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.'
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base.'
--Dave Barry
6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,.......and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance
pay.......the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp.'
--Bob Ettinger
7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim.''
--Paula Poundstone
8) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
--Unknown Author
9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
learner.'
--Lynda Montgomery
10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.''
--Richard Jeni
11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead.'
--Johnny Carson
12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'
-- Paul Rodriguez
13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and
that's the law.'
-- Jerry Seinfeld
14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you
have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?'
--Warren Hutcherson
15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.'
--Oscar Wilde
16) 'Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain
17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Afghanistan.'
--A. Whitney Brown
18) 'Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.'
--Billy Crystal
19) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!''
--Dave Barry
20) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because ' Mad Cow Disease' was
taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
In everything, give thanks...
Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind. Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a "minor" automobile accident stole her joy.
This was Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. She grieved over their loss. Troubles had multiplied. Her husband's company "threatened" to transfer his job to a new location. Her sister had called to say that she could not come for her long awaited holiday visit. What's worse, Sandra's friend suggested that Sandra's grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder.
"Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. "For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life, but took her child's?"
"Good afternoon, can I help you?" Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk. "I. . .I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving?
I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued.
"Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?" "Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong." Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."
Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer, "Hi, Barbara, let me get your order." She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.
"Do you want these in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said, as she gently tapped her chest.
Sandra stammered, "Ah, that lady just left with, uh. . She left with no flowers!" "That's right, said the clerk. "I cut off the flowers. That's the 'Special.' I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.
This was Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. She grieved over their loss. Troubles had multiplied. Her husband's company "threatened" to transfer his job to a new location. Her sister had called to say that she could not come for her long awaited holiday visit. What's worse, Sandra's friend suggested that Sandra's grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder.
"Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. "For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life, but took her child's?"
"Good afternoon, can I help you?" Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk. "I. . .I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving?
I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued.
"Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?" "Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong." Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."
Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer, "Hi, Barbara, let me get your order." She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.
"Do you want these in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said, as she gently tapped her chest.
Sandra stammered, "Ah, that lady just left with, uh. . She left with no flowers!" "That's right, said the clerk. "I cut off the flowers. That's the 'Special.' I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.
Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just lost her father to cancer; the family business was failing; her son had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery."
"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk. "For the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel."
"So what did you do?" asked Sandra. "I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly.
"I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and I never questioned Him why those good things happened to me,but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, "Why? Why me?!" It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort! You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."
Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about what her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."
Just then someone else walked in the shop.
Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about what her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."
Just then someone else walked in the shop.
"Hey, Phil!" the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement. . twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator. "Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?"
"Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced," Phil replied. "After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we trudged through problem after problem. The Lord rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from "thorny" times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks for what that problem taught us." As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"
"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life."
Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too. . .fresh."
"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious. We treasure God' s providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember that it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."
Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.
"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute." "Thank you. What do I owe you?" "Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."
It read:
My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns.
It read:
My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns.
Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns.
Show me that I have climbed closer to YOU along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the
colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."
Praise Him for the roses; thank Him for the thorns. God Bless all of you. Be thankful for all that the Lord does for you.
"Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, leave the rest to God."
Thursday, October 25, 2007
This one tickled me
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
'Strange!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The Redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde'
'I thought so, the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Top Ten
Top 10: Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down ....by David Letterman
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the? #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts!
Why Wedding Dresses Are White??
A boy asked his mother the following question:"Mom, why are wedding
dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,"Son, this shows
your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."The son thanks his
Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father."Dad why are
wedding dresses white?"The father looks at his son in surprise and
says,"Son, all household appliances come in white."
dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,"Son, this shows
your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."The son thanks his
Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father."Dad why are
wedding dresses white?"The father looks at his son in surprise and
says,"Son, all household appliances come in white."
The Eye Test
The Eye Test
Can you find the B
(there are 2 B's) DON'T skip or your wish won't come True...
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Once you've found the B
Find the 1
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII1III
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Once you found the 1..............
Find the 6
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
Once you've found the 6...
Find the N (it's hard!!)
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
Once you've found the N...
Find the Q...
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOQOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Make 2 wishes!
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OK, NOW THAT U MADE A Wish, IT WILL COME TRUE.....ALL U HAVE 2 DO IS
FORWARD
TO 3 PEOPLE BUT IF YOU FORWARD TO MORE IT WILL HAPPEN SOONER!!!
Monday, September 17, 2007
Alabama
Thuh good ole boys down in Alabama ...
Two good ole boys down in Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer... After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, 'If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?'
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even.'
Friday, September 14, 2007
Bring Your Prescription
A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would
like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would
like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Bag Lady
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, andevery once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto
the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stopsher...."Ma'am,
there are $20 bills falling out of thatbag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go
back and see if I can still find some. Thanks forthe warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you
get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back
yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time
there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my
flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks
his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good
luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them
pay!"
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, andevery once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto
the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stopsher...."Ma'am,
there are $20 bills falling out of thatbag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go
back and see if I can still find some. Thanks forthe warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you
get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back
yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time
there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my
flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks
his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good
luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them
pay!"
Bad Monday
A good friend of mine sent me this explanation of how BAD his Monday was.
He said he had a car accident and then got into a fight and got arrested.
I asked him how that all happened - his answer is below:
My Monday morning:
I rear-ended a car this morning in traffic.
We both pulled over to the side of the road.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF !
He walked over to me, looked up at me, and said, "I am NOT happy !!"
So I said, "Well then, which one ARE you ??"
That's how the fight started....
He said he had a car accident and then got into a fight and got arrested.
I asked him how that all happened - his answer is below:
My Monday morning:
I rear-ended a car this morning in traffic.
We both pulled over to the side of the road.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF !
He walked over to me, looked up at me, and said, "I am NOT happy !!"
So I said, "Well then, which one ARE you ??"
That's how the fight started....
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Cowboy
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains
without water. His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his
last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of
thesand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers
what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary
genie.She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency)
ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook.She has a pencil
tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie. . "You know how I work. . . .You
have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. . . "I'm not going to
trust a FEMA genie."
"What do you hav e to lose? You've got no transportation, and it
looks likeyou're a goner anyway!"The cowboy thinks about
this for aminute, and decides that the genie isright.
"OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink
."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies
.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams ."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a
good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says . . ."I wish
that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me ."
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:If the government offers you
anything, there's going to be a string attached.
without water. His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his
last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of
thesand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers
what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary
genie.She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency)
ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook.She has a pencil
tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie. . "You know how I work. . . .You
have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. . . "I'm not going to
trust a FEMA genie."
"What do you hav e to lose? You've got no transportation, and it
looks likeyou're a goner anyway!"The cowboy thinks about
this for aminute, and decides that the genie isright.
"OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink
."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies
.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams ."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a
good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says . . ."I wish
that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me ."
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:If the government offers you
anything, there's going to be a string attached.
Redneck Love Poem
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
Wedding night
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask... so... whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... 'You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegable? '
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Different Time line
I want to live my next life backwards!
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend
several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon
you're too young to work.
So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.
In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged
keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like
conditions: central heating, room service on tap.
Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend
several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon
you're too young to work.
So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.
In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged
keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like
conditions: central heating, room service on tap.
Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
Why Dogs Are Better Than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing their affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at
how you throw.)
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really
worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for
it and, you can kill the ones that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
History Lesson
For those that don't know about history...Here is a condensed version...
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth; the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth; the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated-hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Some of it is old, but this version is much broader. I suspect a bunch of guys sat around a keg and inspired each other to new heights.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off!
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Some of it is old, but this version is much broader. I suspect a bunch of guys sat around a keg and inspired each other to new heights.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off!
Two Women Friends
Two women friends decided to go for a 'girl's night out'. Both were
very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking
home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather
expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky
enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on
it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their
business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husband became concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to
stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no
panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said...
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'
very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking
home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather
expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky
enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on
it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their
business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husband became concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to
stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no
panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said...
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'
Football and the Blonde...
Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!
Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
Friday, August 31, 2007
Civil Service Job?
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and
blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right now. The
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and
blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right now. The
hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow.
Come in at 10:00 A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. To
4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.? "
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. For the first
two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for
that."
4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.? "
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. For the first
two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for
that."
Fairy Tale
One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag, and bitch........
But this was a long, long time ago.....
and it was just ONE day.
The End
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Nun Story
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I
hide
underyour skirt? I'll explain later!"
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,"Sister, have you
seen a soldier?"
The nun replied,"He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out fromunder her skirt
and
said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to
Iraq."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pairof
legs!"
The nun replied,
"If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of
balls....I don't want to go to Iraqeither."
hide
underyour skirt? I'll explain later!"
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,"Sister, have you
seen a soldier?"
The nun replied,"He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out fromunder her skirt
and
said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to
Iraq."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pairof
legs!"
The nun replied,
"If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of
balls....I don't want to go to Iraqeither."
Nursing Home Humor
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in
a firm voice. "Have you got a license
for that thing?" Ethel fished around
in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of
her, Butt-Naked, and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test
again.!!!"
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in
a firm voice. "Have you got a license
for that thing?" Ethel fished around
in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of
her, Butt-Naked, and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test
again.!!!"
80 Yr Old Father To Be
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 80-year-old said,
Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what
do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and
never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a
bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of
his gun." "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large beaver
sitting at the water's edge.
He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at
the
animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,
bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,
what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 80-year-old said,
Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what
do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and
never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a
bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of
his gun." "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large beaver
sitting at the water's edge.
He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at
the
animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,
bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,
what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Dog Rules
Dog Rules, aren't these true!
Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in the specially built wooden compartment named for a very good reason, the dog house.
Ok, the dog can enter the house but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
Ok, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his doghouse could be sold in a garage sale to a rookie dog owner.
Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable, but secure cage.
Ok, the cage becomes part of a "two for one" deal in the garage sale and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
Ok, the dog can get up on the old furniture, but not the new furniture.
Ok, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works, and buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
Ok, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only.
Ok, the dog can sleep along side you, but he is not allowed under the covers.
Ok, the dog can sleep under the covers, but not with his head on your pillow.
Ok, the dog can sleep along side you, under the covers with his head on your pillow, but if he snores, he's got to leave the room.
Ok, the dog can sleep and snore and fart and have nightmares in your bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where you're now sleeping. That's just not fair.
The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaires as "primary resident" even if it's true.
Remember, in any and all house-hold interactions or disputes:
The dog rules!
Ok, the dog can enter the house but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
Ok, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his doghouse could be sold in a garage sale to a rookie dog owner.
Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable, but secure cage.
Ok, the cage becomes part of a "two for one" deal in the garage sale and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
Ok, the dog can get up on the old furniture, but not the new furniture.
Ok, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works, and buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
Ok, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only.
Ok, the dog can sleep along side you, but he is not allowed under the covers.
Ok, the dog can sleep under the covers, but not with his head on your pillow.
Ok, the dog can sleep along side you, under the covers with his head on your pillow, but if he snores, he's got to leave the room.
Ok, the dog can sleep and snore and fart and have nightmares in your bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where you're now sleeping. That's just not fair.
The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaires as "primary resident" even if it's true.
Remember, in any and all house-hold interactions or disputes:
The dog rules!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The Innocence Of Children
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and
turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy
looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly,
"and she turned into a telephone pole!"
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied David. "How could he,
with just two worms?"
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning
how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a
higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out,
"Aces!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of
the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters
a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task --
but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could
barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled
to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,
"The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
Church Smiles
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable
in
here?" asked the postal clerk."Only the Ten Commandments," answered the
lady.
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign..."Energy
efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in
exhaust.
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson
was about. The daughter answered, " Don 't be scared, you'll get your
quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the
pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's
Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter
is coming."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
**************************************
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and
turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy
looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly,
"and she turned into a telephone pole!"
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied David. "How could he,
with just two worms?"
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning
how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a
higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out,
"Aces!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of
the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters
a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task --
but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could
barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled
to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,
"The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
Church Smiles
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable
in
here?" asked the postal clerk."Only the Ten Commandments," answered the
lady.
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign..."Energy
efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in
exhaust.
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson
was about. The daughter answered, " Don 't be scared, you'll get your
quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the
pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's
Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter
is coming."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
**************************************
Crusty Old Men
A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to
the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished
woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.
What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn
church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated
in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the
pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that
the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both
return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what
seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says.
"I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join
this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said
the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished
woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.
What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn
church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated
in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the
pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that
the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both
return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what
seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says.
"I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join
this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said
the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Ancient Chinese Proverbs
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget
A Thought For Us All
Lisa Beamer on Good Morning America - If you remember, she's the wife
of Todd Beamer who said "Let's Roll!" and helped take down the plane
that was heading for Washington, D.C.
She said it's the little things that she misses most about Todd, such
as hearing the garage door open as he came home, and her children
running to meet him. She's now the Mom of a beautiful little girl,
Mary.
Lisa recalled this story:
I had a very special teacher in high school many years ago whose
husband died suddenly of a heart attack. About a week after his
death, she shared some of her insight with a classroom of students.
As the late afternoon sunlight came streaming in through the
classroom windows and the class was nearly over, she moved a few
things aside on the edge of her desk and sat down there.
With a gentle look of reflection on her face, she paused and said,
"Class is over. I would like to share with all of you, a thought that
is unrelated to class, but which I feel is very important.
"Each of us is put here on earth to learn, share, love, appreciate
and give of ourselves. None of us knows when this fantastic
experience will end. It can be taken away at any moment. Perhaps this
is the Powers way of telling us that we must make the most out of
every single day."
Her eyes beginning to water, she went on, "So I would like you all to
make me a promise; From now on, on your way to school, or on your way
home, find something beautiful to notice. It doesn't have to be
something you see, it could be a scent, perhaps of freshly baked
bread wafting out of someone's house, or it could be the sound of the
breeze slightly rustling the leaves in the trees, or the way the
morning light catches one autumn leaf as it falls gently to the
ground.
"Please look for these things, and cherish them. For, although it may
sound trite to some, these things are the 'stuff' of life. The little
things we are put here on earth to enjoy. The things we often take
for granted. We must make it important to notice them, for at anytime
it can all be taken away."
The class was completely quiet. We all picked up our books and filed
out of the room silently. That afternoon, I noticed more things on my
way home from school than I had that whole semester.
Every once in a while, I think of that teacher and remember what an
impression she made on all of us, and I try to appreciate all of
those things that sometimes we all overlook.
Take notice of something special you see on your lunch hour today. Go
barefoot, or walk on the beach at sunset. Stop off on the way home
tonight to get a double dip ice cream cone. For as we get older, is
not the things we did that we often regret, but the things we didn't
do.
of Todd Beamer who said "Let's Roll!" and helped take down the plane
that was heading for Washington, D.C.
She said it's the little things that she misses most about Todd, such
as hearing the garage door open as he came home, and her children
running to meet him. She's now the Mom of a beautiful little girl,
Mary.
Lisa recalled this story:
I had a very special teacher in high school many years ago whose
husband died suddenly of a heart attack. About a week after his
death, she shared some of her insight with a classroom of students.
As the late afternoon sunlight came streaming in through the
classroom windows and the class was nearly over, she moved a few
things aside on the edge of her desk and sat down there.
With a gentle look of reflection on her face, she paused and said,
"Class is over. I would like to share with all of you, a thought that
is unrelated to class, but which I feel is very important.
"Each of us is put here on earth to learn, share, love, appreciate
and give of ourselves. None of us knows when this fantastic
experience will end. It can be taken away at any moment. Perhaps this
is the Powers way of telling us that we must make the most out of
every single day."
Her eyes beginning to water, she went on, "So I would like you all to
make me a promise; From now on, on your way to school, or on your way
home, find something beautiful to notice. It doesn't have to be
something you see, it could be a scent, perhaps of freshly baked
bread wafting out of someone's house, or it could be the sound of the
breeze slightly rustling the leaves in the trees, or the way the
morning light catches one autumn leaf as it falls gently to the
ground.
"Please look for these things, and cherish them. For, although it may
sound trite to some, these things are the 'stuff' of life. The little
things we are put here on earth to enjoy. The things we often take
for granted. We must make it important to notice them, for at anytime
it can all be taken away."
The class was completely quiet. We all picked up our books and filed
out of the room silently. That afternoon, I noticed more things on my
way home from school than I had that whole semester.
Every once in a while, I think of that teacher and remember what an
impression she made on all of us, and I try to appreciate all of
those things that sometimes we all overlook.
Take notice of something special you see on your lunch hour today. Go
barefoot, or walk on the beach at sunset. Stop off on the way home
tonight to get a double dip ice cream cone. For as we get older, is
not the things we did that we often regret, but the things we didn't
do.
Black Hurricanes
Black Hurricanes
It appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African -American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in Language that street people can understand because one of the problems in New Orleans is that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I can hear it now: A weatherman in Houston says.. .
Scroll down ......
"Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo' Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!"
It appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African -American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in Language that street people can understand because one of the problems in New Orleans is that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I can hear it now: A weatherman in Houston says.. .
Scroll down ......
"Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo' Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!"
Math trick
Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.
Personally I would like to know who came up with this.
Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your Head)
1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the Area code)
2. Multiply by 80
3. Add 1
4. Multiply by 250
5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
7. Subtract 250
8. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer ??
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
The Bishop & The Donkey
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won
again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of
the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
;
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY? BEING CONCERNED ABOUT PUBLIC OPINION CAN
BRING YOU MUCH GRIEF AND MISERY,
AND EVEN SHORTEN YOUR LIFE. SO, BE YOURSELF AND ENJOY LIFE ...STOP
WORRYING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE'S ASS, AND YOU'LL LIVE LONGER AND BE A LOT HAPPIER.
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won
again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of
the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
;
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY? BEING CONCERNED ABOUT PUBLIC OPINION CAN
BRING YOU MUCH GRIEF AND MISERY,
AND EVEN SHORTEN YOUR LIFE. SO, BE YOURSELF AND ENJOY LIFE ...STOP
WORRYING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE'S ASS, AND YOU'LL LIVE LONGER AND BE A LOT HAPPIER.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW:
'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000
AL - QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN'
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia . You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
And after all, it is just a sign...
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
You gotta love it!!!
God Bless America
AL - QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN'
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia . You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
And after all, it is just a sign...
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
You gotta love it!!!
God Bless America
Muscle man
| The Blonde and the Body Builder | |
| The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have.' He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.' He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have. The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.' He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was.' |
The Lord and the Biker!
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Breakfast at McDonald's
This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end! (After the story, there are some very interesting facts!):
I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree.
The last class I had to take was Sociology.
The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.
Her last project of the term was called, 'Smile.'
The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions.
I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway. So, I thought this would be a piece of cake,
literally.
Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning.
It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son.
We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then
even my husband did.
I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.
As I turned around I smelled a horrible 'dirty body' smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men.
As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was 'smiling'.
His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance.
He said, 'Good day' as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.
The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.
I held my tears as I stood there with them.
The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.
He said, 'Coffee is all Miss' because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm).
Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.
That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action.
I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray.
I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.
He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, 'Thank you.'
I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, 'I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope.'
I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, 'That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope.'
We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give.
We are not church goers, but we are believers.
That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.
I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.
I turned in 'my project' and the instructor read it.
Then she looked up at me and said, 'Can I share this?'
I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.
She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed.
In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on
the last night I spent as a college student.
I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn:
UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.
Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to
LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE
PEOPLE.
There is an Angel sent to watch over you.
In order for her to work, you must pass this on to the people you want watched over.
An Angel wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head.
To handle others, use your heart.
God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into its nest.
Send it back, you'll see why !
A Box of gold
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
With a secret inside
that has never been told
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This box is priceless
but as I see
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The treasure re inside is
precious to me
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Today I share this
treasure with thee
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It's the treasure of
friendship you've
given me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If this comes back to you
then you'll have a friend
for life but, if this
becomes deleted, you are
not a friend.
Send this to everyone you
consider a friend!
This is a magic frog.
It will grant you one wish and only one wish,
that is, if you decide to send this to others. You can wish for anything.
Repeat your wish until you have stopped scrolling. Make it count!!!!!!
FOR YOUR WISH TO COME TRUE YOU HAVE TO SEND IT
TO:
3 PEOPLE - YOUR WISH WILL COME TRUE EVENTUALLY
5 PEOPLE - YOUR WISH WILL COME TRUE IN 3 MONTHS
10 PEOPLE - YOUR WISH WILL COME TRUE IN 5 WEEKS
15 PEOPLE - YOUR WISH WILL COME TRUE IN 1 WEEK
CAN'T WAIT A WEEK???
22 PEOPLE - YOUR WISH WILL
COME TRUE IN 1 DAY!!!!!
****** **********REMEMBER**************
THIS MUST BE SENT OUT THE
DAY YOU READ IT FOR YOU TO GET YOUR
WISH .
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