God's Wife

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the  contest was to find the most caring  child.
The  winner was:
A  four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife.  Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into  the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and  just sat there.
When  his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just  helped him cry.'
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Teacher  Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was  adopted.
A  little girl said, 'I know all about adoption, I was adopted..'
'What  does it mean to be adopted?', asked another  child.
'It  means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your  mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'
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On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League  base ball game that was being played in a park near  my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the  score was
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered with a  smile. 'Really,'  I said. 'I have to say you don't look very  discouraged.'
'Discouraged?',  the boy asked with a puzzled look on his  face...
'Why  should we be discou raged? We haven't been up to bat yet.'
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Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
On the  day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,  eyes shining with pride and excitement.  'Guess  what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words  that will remain a lesson to me.....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
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An eye  witness account from New York City , on a cold day  in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My - but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'  
'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a  basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them  to her.
She  took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.  She  tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No  doubt, you will be more comfortable  now.'
As she  turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the  hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her.
'Are  you God's wife?'

Great Quote!

"We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love." Mother Teresa

Little Rabbit

A precocious little girl missing two front teeth, walks into a pet shop
and says to the shopkeeper, 'Excuthe me, mithter, do you have widdle
wabbits?'
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level and asks, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft
and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit
over there?'
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says, in a quiet voice, 'You know, mithter, I don't
think my python will weally give a thyit.'

Ole and Lena

OLE AND LENA:
Ole, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right in the  crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it doc?. . . I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancie, Lena , is still a wirgin - in every vay'. The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.' He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together . Quite an impressive work of art. Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful untouched breasts. She said, 'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.' Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis, still in da CRATE!'

This Explains It!

This explains why I forward jokes. 




A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

 

  

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. 

 

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

  

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.  

 

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

  

 

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.  

 

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked 

  

 

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

 

 

 

 

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

 

 

 

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

 

 

 

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

 

 

 

 

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.  

 

 

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

 

 

 

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.  

 

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

 

 

 

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

 

 

 

 

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.  

 

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

 

 

 

 

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

  

 

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

 

 

 

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

 

 

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

 

 

 

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

 

  

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

  

 

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

  

 

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'  

 

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

 

 

Soooo  

 

 

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

  

Maybe this will explain.

  

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.  

 

 

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.  

 

 

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

  

 

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?  

 

A forwarded joke.

  

 

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

 

 

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime

And then the fight started .....

Fights start in the most innocent ways!



On the lighter side:

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....

And then the fight started....

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.  The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.  I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and  come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt".

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.  She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants.  You might have gotten disability, too!"

And then the fight started.....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.....

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I rear-ended a car this morning.  So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.  You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?  Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....