Rainbow Bridge

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

Vodka! Who Knew??

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The
Solvent dissolves adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a
Trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five
Minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean
Cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and
Kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting
Your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka
Disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to
Cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol
Cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth
Of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to
Kill them.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer
Bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or
Black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender
Flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the
Sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply
The tincture to aches and pains.
11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and
Back as a liniment.
12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the
Urushiol oil from your skin.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth Allow your gums to absorb
Some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me. I've only been drinking the stuff!!!

WORK vs PRISON

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up,
This should make things a little bit clearer.
@ PRISON
@ WORK
You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle
You get three meals a day fully paid for
you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
You get time off for good behavior
you get more work for good behavior
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself
You can watch TV and play games
you could get fired for watching TV and playing games
You get your own toilet
you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat
They allow your family and friends to visit
you aren't even supposed to speak to your family
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes
from your salary to pay for prisoners
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
You must deal with sadistic wardens
they are called managers
You can talk about Jesus, and even participate in Bible Studies
you'd better not talk about Jesus or bring a Bible if you want to keep
your job!
THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!
Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails.

Senior Dating

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you
about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at
7P.M.,
dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such
beautiful
flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury
car...
a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes m e out for
dinner...
a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner
drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much
I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL .
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way
with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gra cious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go
out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

More words of wisdom

1) Three left turns, make a right.

 

2) When did the race start? We did not hear the starting gun!

 

3) The far left lane still has a speed limit!

 

4) Tailgating makes me go slower. Maybe thats why I stopped?

 

5) Keep tailgating! I drive an antique American steel car with NO crush zones, not a beer can designed to crush on impact. Hope you've got an air bag!

 

6) If my antique car with 193,000 miles, (without emissions equipment), burns as clean as the new cars produced today with emissions equipment. What was the point???

 

7) Common sense is a dying trait. Teach everyone you can. The public school system will not.

 

8) The bigger vehicle does NOT mean that you automatically have the right of way. It just means that you needed a pee-pee extender!

 

9) Just remember! You may squeeze in between the big car in the next lane and the car in front of him, but the Fire Department can squeeze you out of your coffin on wheels!

 

10) El Salvador had the right idea! Death for first time DUI drivers. It prevents repeat offenders.

Wisdom From Larry The Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

What makes an environmentalist?

LOOK OVER THE DESCRIPTIONS OF THE FOLLOWING
TWO HOUSES AND SEE IF YOU CAN TELL WHICH
BELONGS TO AN ENVIRONMENTALIST.

HOUSE # 1: A 20-room mansion (not including 8 bathrooms) heated by natural gas. Add on a pool (and a pool house) and a separate guest house all heated by gas. In ONE MONTH ALONE this mansion consumes more energy than the average American household in an ENTIRE YEAR. The average bill for electricity and natural gas runs over $2,400.00 per month. In natural gas alone (which last time we checked was a fossil fuel), this property consumes more than 20 times the national average for an American home. This house is not in a northern or Midwestern "snow belt," either. It's in the South.

HOUSE # 2: Designed by an architecture professor at a leading national university, this house incorporates every "green" feature current home construction can provide. The house contains only 4,000 square feet (4 bedrms) and is nestled on arid high prairie in the American southwest. A central closet in the house holds geothermal heat pumps drawing ground water through pipes sunk 300 feet into the ground. The water (usually 67 degrees F.) heats the house in winter and cools it in summer. The system uses no fossil fuels such as oil or natural gas, and it consumes 25% of the electricity required for a conventional heating/cooling system. Rainwater from the roof is collected and funneled into a 25,000 gallon underground cistern. Wastewater from showers, sinks and toilets goes into underground purifying tanks and then into the cistern. The collected water then irrigates the land surrounding the house. Flowers and shrubs native to the area blend the property into the surrounding rural landscape.

HOUSE # 1 (20 room energy guzzling mansion) is outside of Nashville , Tennessee . It is the abode of that renowned environmentalist (and filmmaker) Al Gore.

HOUSE # 2 (model eco-friendly house) is on a ranch near Crawford , Texas . Also known as "the Texas White House," it is the private residence of the President of the United States , George W. Bush.


So whose house is gentler on the environment? Yet another story you WON'T hear on CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, MSNBC or read about in the New York Times or the Washington Post. Indeed, for Mr. Gore, it's truly "an inconvenient truth."

ETA: Snopes indicates the above comparison is true.

 

Red Hair!

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has redhair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said.

"Even though you and your wife both have black hair,one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year.  We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.

"It's rust."

Corrected Indian Story

WISDOM OF AN OLD INDIAN CHIEF:

 
Indian chief sat in his  teepee on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial   peace pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to
interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observe d the white man
for 90 years.
 
You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
 
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
 
The Chief nodded in agreement.
 
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then
calmly replied

"When white man found the land.  Indians were running it.
 
No taxes,
 
No debt,
 
Plenty buffalo,
 
Plenty beaver,
 
Women did all the work,
 
Medicine man free,

Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
 
All night having sex."
 
Then the chief leaned back and smiled . "Only white man dumb enough to
think he could improve system like that. "

The Old Man and the Marine

The Old Man and the Marine...

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Hillary Clinton."  The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. 
Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to
the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".  The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs.  Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here".  The man thanked him and again walked away.  The third Day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".  The Marine, understandably agitated at this point,  looked at the Man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton.  I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here.
Don't you understand?"  The old man answered, "Oh, i understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attenion, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow".

Another one for the blondes--GOOD one

PLANE TO HOUSTON

THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP  
AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL
HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND
I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE
CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN
ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE  
ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER
SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND
I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE
WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO
REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A
BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH,  I'M
SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO
MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON ."

IDP Day!!!

Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day.

Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend...just as I've done.

I don't care if you lick windows, screw farm animals, take the short bus or occasionally shit yourself...

You hang in there sunshine, you're fricking special.

Top 12 Country Songs

12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.

11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass All Day.

10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.

8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

7. I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

5. I'm So Miserable without you, It's like You're Still Here.

4. If I Had Shot You When I F irst wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By now.

3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.

2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.

And the number 1 Country Song is:

1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few.