new drink

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.

While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts
talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it,
the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into
having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A
salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot
of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime
juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys........smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
He thinks........this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...... At two seconds the
Baileys curdles ... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste &
mucous-like consistency hits. .....At four seconds it feels as if he has
a mouth full of nasty snot.

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When
he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus
H. Christ, what the hell do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge

New Office Policy

 FYI

Dress Code:


- You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
- If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy.
- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Can't I just hail a cab... it is New York...

 

This  hilarious! 

Take 30  seconds to do this; I guarantee you will show someone else,  It's too funny not to. 

1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps"
3.  click on "get directions"
4. type "New  York" in the  first box (the "left top" box)
5. type "London" in the second box  (the "right top" box)
6. click "get directions"
7. scroll down  to step #24 in the directions

Have a great week!

Blood Types..the meanings.

 

Five Elements

Related to junishi is jikkan, another system imported from China. The jikkan is based on the 5 elements or energies that constitute the world. In the west we have the 4 alchemical elements.... Air, Earth, Fire, and Water. The Sino-Japanese system uses five: Fire, Earth, Metal, Water, and Wood.

In this system Fire generates Earth, which generates Metal, which generates Water, which generates Wood, which generates Fire. The 5 elements system is used extensively in a variety of health, design, time, and spatial systems.

The jikkan is derived by each element having a "younger" and "elder" aspect. This gives us the "10 trunks" (jikkan), which combined with "12 animal years" ( junishi) creates a 60 year cycle wherein each year is a unique combination of animal and element. ( it's a little complicated as some animals are only associated with the "younger" element, and some animals only with the "elder" element). The jikkan-junishi system was known as ETO, and was used as a dating system and for fortune telling . The current 60-year cycle began in 1984, so this is year 20, "younger"-water Sheep year. While no longer in extensive use, Eto makes an appearance as the Japanese set great store in a person's 60th birthday. It is seen as the ending of one life-cycle and the beginning of a second.

Top of Page

Blood Type

Finally, there is the uniquely Japanese system of believing that a person's blood-type determines character. While there has never been any scientific evidence to support this claim, it is a surprisingly pervasive belief among Japanese, and the chances are that you are more likely to be asked your blood type than your sign. The idea of blood type determining character was first put forward in 1927 by Takeji Furukawa. The idea was popular for some years, but faded from public consciousness upon his death until revived again in the 1970's by journalist Masahiko Nomi who has since published over 16 books on the subject. Add to this several dozen books by other authors and a slew of TV programs, and you get an idea how much the idea has gripped the Japanese public. Several of these books have been translated into English, and a few books have been written by western authors, mostly in the area of New Age studies. Here some of the characteristics attributed to each blood type:

Type A

calm, composed, serious, reliable, perfectionist, arrogant, suppress their emotions.

Type B

curious, bright, cheerful, enthusiastic, superficial, unreliable, selfish.

Type 0

carefree, generous, independent, flexible, clumsy, flighty.

Type AB

sensitive, considerate, careful, efficient, strict, moody

The most common blood type in Japan is A, with 38% of the population. The most common in Britain and the U.S. is Type O. Interestingly the most common type among Japanese Prime Ministers is O.

Blood-typing is used to determine compatibility for marriage and romance, and also for career paths, since it is believed that type A make the best managers. 1n 1930 companies started asking for blood-type on application forms, a practice that is still sometimes used today. As with any system that categorizes people into types, some blood groups are seen as inferior. For a while, some companies tried dividing their employees into work groups based on blood type, and no one wanted to work with the AB group. Almost all Japanese know their blood group, and if a foreigner is asked and doesn't know his or her group, it will likely be believed that they really do know it but are ashamed of it.

The Tax Man

The Tax Man

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
I'm a whore." she says

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite Chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken farmer it is."

 

Tarzan has sex

During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground.

"Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

Good point, lol

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman.

The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.

"How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your
children!

I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And he replied:

"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll
say to me!"

And he began:

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady
here asked me for a lift.

She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and
let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I

made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're
afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was

doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you
have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't

wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the

expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair
like them.."

He took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her
to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said:

'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

Need To Know

Thought you should know this, just in case.
American Medical Association researchers have made a Remarkable
discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from
receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know.

How Do You????

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
 Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
  Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
 They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
 You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
 Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
 Polaroids
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
 A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
 Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
 Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
 Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
 Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
 A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
 Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
 Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
 Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
 Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
 Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
 The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
 Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
 A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
 A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
 Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Robins

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. "I am so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "O K," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat sneaks up and gobbles them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
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(scroll down)
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(ready??)
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(you're gonna like this one)
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"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

9 Dangerous Words Women Use--It's The Gospel

You have been warned...



9 Dangerous Words Women Use--It's The Gospel

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they  are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with Nothing
usually end in Fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about Nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's Okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying SCREW YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's
wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

BRICK : IT'S BEAUTIFUL and JUST FOR YOU !

     THE BRICK  
  
   A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street,   going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down  
  
   When he thought he saw something As his car passed, no children appeared.   Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just   what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is   going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?" The young boy was   apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what   else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else   would stop....." With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the   youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother,   "he said "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and   I can't lift him up."
  
   Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help   me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for   me."  
  
   Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in   his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair,   then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.   A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and   may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up   for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother   down the sidewalk toward their home.  
  
   It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable,   but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the   dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast   that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God   whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have   time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or   not.  

   Thought for the Day:  
  
   If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.  
  
   If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.  
  
   He sends you flowers every spring.  
  
   He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!  
  
   Send this to every "beautiful person" you wish to bless.  
  
   God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow,sun without   rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and   light for the way.  
  
   Read this line very slowly and let it sink in....  
  
   If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Thought for the Day

"Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist."

Quiz

Try this and see if it is true

 

http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html