Thursday, September 06, 2007

Different Time line

I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend
several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon
you're too young to work.

So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged
keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like
conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Why Dogs Are Better Than Men


Dogs do not have problems expressing their affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at
how you throw.)
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really
worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for
it and, you can kill the ones that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

History Lesson


For those that don't know about history...Here is a condensed version... 
   
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.  They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. 
   
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 
   
1. Liberals; and 
2. Conservatives. 
   
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. 
   
That's how villages were formed. 
   
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. 
   
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. 
   
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. 
   
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth; the elephant. 
   
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. 
   
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. 
   Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated-hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. 
   
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,  lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. 
   
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Some of it is old, but this version is much broader.  I suspect a bunch of guys sat around a keg and inspired each other to new heights. 
   Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. 
   
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off!

Two Women Friends

Two women friends decided to go for a 'girl's night out'. Both were
very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking
home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather
expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky
enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on
it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their
business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husband became concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to
stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no
panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said...
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

Football and the Blonde...

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde  girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants  and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest  of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!