Lots of laughs

GOOD  SAMARITAN A Sunday  school teacher was telling her class the story of the  Good Samaritan.  She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside,  all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl  broke the hushed silence,  "I think I'd throw up.." DID NOAH  FISH? A Sunday  school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing  when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just  two worms."  THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD A Sunday School teacher  decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages  in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the  chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't  remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the  first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in  front of the  congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he  stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd,  and that's all I need to know." UNANSWERED  PRAYER The  preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and  bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day,  she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was  so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a  good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked. BEING  THANKFUL A Rabbi  said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers  for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The  little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" ALL MEN / ALL  GIRLS When my  daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family  member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).. For several  weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And  all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this  closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do  you always add the part about  all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their  prayers by saying 'All Men'!" SAY A  PRAYER Little  Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's  house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.  When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.  "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't  need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We  always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house."  Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to  cook. THE  BIBLE Did you know  that... When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache. When you open it,  he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints. Let's read the  Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one day he'll have a  stroke and never  wake up. And did you also know that when you are about to forward this  email to others, The devil will discourage you but forward  it anyway.

 

 

ID PLEASE....

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check.
As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America!!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, and monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must
insist on seeing ID"
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check."
Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.  With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:
"Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

The Family Farm

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook."

DEA Surveillance

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another  man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
 
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
 
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
 
The plane took off , and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search."
 
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
 
The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
 
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
 
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
 
The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
 
I like it!" said his seat mate.
 
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
 
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop.
 
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"
 
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long
record of money problems.  He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the
end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am
stealing his money.  He says pay the minimum and lets our kids worry
about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.  

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most
of them no longer speak to us.  The few that do are an odd bunch, to
whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills
even more.  

Also, he has
gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with
people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with
Muslims.  


Finally, the
last straw.  He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room
with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.  It's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?

Signed,
Lost in DC
--------------------------------------------------

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle.  


You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world,
and have others pay for everything for you.  You can divorce the jerk
any time you want.  The rest of us are stuck with the SOB until 2012!

Signed,
Abby