One Liners to remember

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on

Saturday night. --Rodney Dangerfield
 
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
500SL." --Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --Camille
Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are
unimportant." --George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship." --Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." --Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack
Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks ...or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush

"Ah, yes... divorce: From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" --Billy
Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful." --Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little sex advice in men's magazines, because men think:
I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!" --Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up
whom." --Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy." --Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman...
stuff you pay good money for in later life."--Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar
Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
--George Burns

CHINESE PROVERBS

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Man who run in front of car get tired.
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
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Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement!
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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Now send it to 10 or more people.
Nothing will happen but 10 people will laugh
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Where Do Pets Come From?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.   And it was a good animal.  And God was pleased.  And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.  And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."   And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.  And they were comforted.  And God was pleased.  And Dog was content and wagged his tail.   After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."  And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,  they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.   And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a sh__ one way or the other.

What Santa would say...

Well, here's an old-time Christmas classic e-mail......
"If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly"

  Dear Santa,

   I wood like a cool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a
   gud boy all yeer yer Frend, BiLLy
 
 
   Dear Billy,
   Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn
   care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can
   learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother
   the space ranger. At least HE can spell!   Santa
 
 
 
   Dear Santa,
   I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I
   ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
   Love, Sarah
 
 
   Dear Sarah,
   Your parents smoked pot when they had you. Didn't they?
   Santa
 
 
   Dear Santa,
   I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd
   like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please
   see what you can do?   Love, Teddy
 
 
 
   Dear Teddy,
   Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen
   door in a hurricane.  Do you think he's gonna give that
   up to come back to your frigid mom, who continually rides his ass
   constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get
   you some nice Legos instead.  
   Santa
 
 
 
   Dear Santa,
   I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.
   Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
   Love, Francis
 
 
   Dear Francis,
   Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're
   gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.    Santa
 
 
 
   Dear Santa,
   I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I
   left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
   Love, Susan
 
 
 
   Dear Susan,
   Milk gives me the runs.  Carrots make the deer fart in
   my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a
   favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. 
   Santa
 
 
 
   Dear Santa,
   What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you
   busy making toys?  
   Your friend, Thomas
 
 
 
   Dear Thomas,
   All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Miami,
   where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno 
   films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing
   the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at   
   the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know.  
   Santa
 
 
   
    Dear Santa,
    Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know
    when we're awake, like in the song?    Love, Jessica
 
 
 
    Dear Jessica,
    Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde ?
     Good luck in whatever you do. You need therapy! I'm  skipping your house.
     Santa
 
 
 
     Dear Santa,
     I really really want a puppy this year. Please please
     please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?  
     Timmy
 
 
 
     Timmy,
     That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but
     that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater
     again. So, chill out.   
     Santa
 
 
 
       Dearest Santa,
       We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get
       into our home?   
       Love, Marky
 
 
 
       Mark, first, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why
       you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you
       don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment
       complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the
       boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
       Sweet Dreams,
       Santa

Daddy is an Exotic Dancer

 Daddy Is An Exotic Dancer

 One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.. All the typical answers came up--fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

 But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the Teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and  they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and do the gigolo bit for money."

 The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

 "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the nomination of Hillary Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the others