Great Radio

I bought a new 2007 Cadillac and returned to the  dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the  radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!" he said, "Nelson"!

The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
 

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instan t "Georgia on My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.

 

I drove away happy, and for  the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful  classical music, and if  I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome  songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Assholes!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to  play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael  Moore and The Dixie Chicks,  with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Barbara Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this car!

BK christmas

ok this will be (I think) my one and only christmas joke thing.

go to this link - you might have already seen it.

http://www.gdd.net/bkholiday/index.php

Christmas soldier

               T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

 HE LIVED ALL ALONE,

 IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF

 PLASTER AND STONE.


 

 I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY

 WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,

 AND TO SEE JUST WHO

 IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.


 

 I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,

 A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,

 NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,

 NOT EVEN A TREE.


 

 NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,

 JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,

 ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES

 OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.


 

 WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,

 AWARDS OF ALL KINDS, A SOBER THOUGHT

 CAME THROUGH MY MIND.


 

 FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,

 IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,

 I FOUND THE HOME OF A MARINE,

 ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.


 

 THE MARINE LAY SLEEPING,

 SILENT AND ALONE,

 CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR

 IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.


 

 THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,

 THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,

 NOT HOW I PICTURED

 A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.


 

 WAS THIS THE HERO

 OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?

 CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,

 THE FLOOR FOR A BED?


 

 I REALIZED THE FAMILIES

 THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,

 OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS

 WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.


 

 SOON ROUND THE WORLD,

 THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,

 AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE

 A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.


 

 THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM

 EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,

 BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,

 LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.


 

 I COULDN'T HELP WONDER

 HOW MANY LAY ALONE,

 ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE

 IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.


 

 THE VERY THOUGHT

 BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,

 I DROPPED TO MY KNEES

 AND STARTED TO CRY.


 

 THE MARINE AWAKENED

 AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,

 "SANTA DON'T CRY,

 THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE";


 

 I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,

 I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,

 MY LIFE IS MY GOD,

 MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."


 

 THE MARINE ROLLED OVER

 AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,

 I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,

 I CONTINUED TO WEEP.


 

 I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,

 SO SILENT AND STILL

 AND WE BOTH SHIVERED

 FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.


 

 I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE

 ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,

 THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR

 SO WILLING TO FIGHT.


 

 THEN THE MARINE ROLLED OVER,

 WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,

HE WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,

 IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."


 

 ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,

 AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.

 "MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,

 AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT

Yard Work

I was doing garden work this weekend and my wife was about to take a
shower.
I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife,
"Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye,  
then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. 
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast,
then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?" 
She replies, 
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"

From the album "Illegal Danish Super Snacks Soundtrack"

Yo, what up G?
Lemme tell you about MC.
You ain't got no life.

You ain't got no friends.
And I know you want to spend your weekend with 40 people you don't know,
And some guy named Puff telling you what to do!

"Oh hell yeah that's me, where do I sign up?"

On the website!

"Wow!"

You can be a winner!

"Eeeeeee!"

We're MC raiders.
We ain't got no lives.
You ain't got to tell me about attunement,
If you've got core fragments you've already been through it.
Talk to the quest guy and jump through the hole and...
give me your buffs so i can pull like a pro man.



Let's go bitches.

Olgra on the left, Thinktank on the right
pull those big ass giants.
"No mortal Strike!"
Who pulled the surger with the core hounds?

I think a hunter did, but he's dead now.
Shut up noob, this is my song.
Sorry!

Lucifron, Magmadar, Gehennas and Garr,
farm status players,
have you got that far?


Ok, who was the living bomb?
I didn't know...
Well congratulations, you win the dumbass award!
(Sobbing)This is my first time!
You're not leet enough for molten core.

We're MC raiders.
We ain't go no lives.

You ain't got to tell me bout them epics.
I just disenchanted one into a nexus.

Shazzrah, Golemagg and Sulfuron,
Another thunderstrike that nobody will roll on.

"Paladins, Hunters, anybody?"

"I am not wasting DKP on that piece of crap!"

"OooK"

Majordomo's chest,
it's time for the phat lewt.
Will we get the Leaf
or an Eye of Divinity.

Why don't we have a Druid tank Rag?
Hax!
I've got 13000 AC!
Nerf!
Shadow form Ok?
No!
I'm gonna do it anyway.
Hell no!

We're MC raiders.
We ain't go no lives.

You guys suck!
Start walking back.