Letter

Dearest Redneck Son,
 I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We
don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we
moved.
 I won't be able to send you the address because the last West
Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldn't have to change their address.
 This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm
not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We
haven't seen them since.
 The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week;
the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
 About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob
said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so
we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
 Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really
worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
 Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what
it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
 Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men
tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him
cremated, he burned for three days..
 Three of your friends went off a bridge
in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam
to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because
they couldn't get the tailgate down!
 There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the
normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom