Well, here's an old-time Christmas classic e-mail......
"If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly"
Dear Santa,
I wood like a cool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a
gud boy all yeer yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn
care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can
learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother
the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I
ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you. Didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd
like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please
see what you can do? Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen
door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that
up to come back to your frigid mom, who continually rides his ass
constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get
you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.
Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're
gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I
left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs. Carrots make the deer fart in
my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a
favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you
busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Miami,
where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno
films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing
the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know
when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde ?
Good luck in whatever you do. You need therapy! I'm skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please
please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but
that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater
again. So, chill out.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get
into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark, first, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why
you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you
don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment
complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the
boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Friday, December 08, 2006
Daddy is an Exotic Dancer
Daddy Is An Exotic Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.. All the typical answers came up--fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the Teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and do the gigolo bit for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the nomination of Hillary Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the others
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.. All the typical answers came up--fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the Teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and do the gigolo bit for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the nomination of Hillary Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the others
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Flatulence Forces Plane to Land
By Associated Press
Wed Dec 6, 6:07 AM
NASHVILLE, Tenn. - An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said.
The Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches, said Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. All 99 passengers and five crew members were taken off and screened while the plane was searched and luggage was screened.
The FBI questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal a "body odor," Lowrance said. She had an unspecified medical condition, authorities said.
"It's humorous in a way but you feel sorry for the individual, as well," she said. "It's unusual that someone would go to those measures to cover it up."
The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane. The woman, who was not identified, was not charged in the incident.
Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Memory Loss
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in
Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12
years... chatting, and enjoying each other''s friendship.
Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12
years... chatting, and enjoying each other''s friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,
"Please don''t be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all
these years. . .What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just
can't."
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing
for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon
do you have to know?"
Our Daily Chicken
A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million
dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day
our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope
refused his offer.
dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day
our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope
refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change
it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our
daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer.
Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and
finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his
officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news
is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad
news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''
New Heimlick Maneuver
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get out the peanut.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get out the peanut.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
You might be a Coloradoan if
It was only a matter of time before Jeff Foxworthy took a couple of pot shots at Colorado.
You are a Coloradoan if
1. You switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in one day.
2. You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means.
3. Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from the mountains.
4. You're a meat-eating vegetarian.
5. The bike on your car is worth more than your car and you have your own special bike lane.
6. You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching.
7. You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise.
8. You think your major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire beer.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
10. You think that sexy lingerie is wool socks and flannel PJs.
11. You know all 4 seasons "almost winter, winter, still winter and spring blizzards
12. You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a CU/CSU victory.
You are a Coloradoan if
1. You switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in one day.
2. You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means.
3. Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from the mountains.
4. You're a meat-eating vegetarian.
5. The bike on your car is worth more than your car and you have your own special bike lane.
6. You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching.
7. You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise.
8. You think your major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire beer.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
10. You think that sexy lingerie is wool socks and flannel PJs.
11. You know all 4 seasons "almost winter, winter, still winter and spring blizzards
12. You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a CU/CSU victory.
13. You can never figure out why your out-of-town guests faint from altitude sickness on a picnic to the mountains.
14. You can drive over a 12,000-foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but can't get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.
15. You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista
16. When you visit friends at sea level, you can drink a case of 20 beer and not get a buzz.
17. Your car insurance costs more than your car.
18. You have surge protectors on every outlet.
19. April showers bring May blizzards.
20. 'Timberline' is someplace you have actually been.
21. You know what a 'Chinook' is
22. You know what a 'Rocky Mountain Oyster' is.
23. You know what a "fourteener" is.
24. But you don't know what a "turn signal" is.
25. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a Democrat in Congress does.
26. Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning rod.
27. You know who Alfred Packer was and what he did.
28. You know who Baby Doe Tabor was.
29. SPF 90 is not out of the question.
30. People from out of state breathe 5 times as often as you do.
31. Having a Senator named Nighthorse doesn't seem strange.
32. Thunder has set off your car alarm.
33. A full moon has never kept you awake at night.
34. You have an $800 stereo in your $300 truck.
35. A sudden loss of cabin pressure is not a big deal.
36. You think a red light means 3 more cars can go.
37. Where we're going, we don't need roads!!
38. You know where Doc Holliday's grave is.
39. You know where Buffalo Bill's grave is.
40. You know where the real " South Park " is.
41. You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight
42. Driving directions usually include 'Go over _________ Pass.
43. You've 'checked for ticks'
44. You've dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka with a hood.
45. You've gone snow skiing in July and.....
46. You've played golf in January and.....
47. They were in the same year!
48. You've urinated on the Continental Divide just so it could run into both oceans
49. You know what a down slope and an up slope weather pattern is
50. And the most important: You get a certain feeling of satisfaction from knowing that California and Texas are both downstream.
14. You can drive over a 12,000-foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but can't get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.
15. You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista
16. When you visit friends at sea level, you can drink a case of 20 beer and not get a buzz.
17. Your car insurance costs more than your car.
18. You have surge protectors on every outlet.
19. April showers bring May blizzards.
20. 'Timberline' is someplace you have actually been.
21. You know what a 'Chinook' is
22. You know what a 'Rocky Mountain Oyster' is.
23. You know what a "fourteener" is.
24. But you don't know what a "turn signal" is.
25. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a Democrat in Congress does.
26. Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning rod.
27. You know who Alfred Packer was and what he did.
28. You know who Baby Doe Tabor was.
29. SPF 90 is not out of the question.
30. People from out of state breathe 5 times as often as you do.
31. Having a Senator named Nighthorse doesn't seem strange.
32. Thunder has set off your car alarm.
33. A full moon has never kept you awake at night.
34. You have an $800 stereo in your $300 truck.
35. A sudden loss of cabin pressure is not a big deal.
36. You think a red light means 3 more cars can go.
37. Where we're going, we don't need roads!!
38. You know where Doc Holliday's grave is.
39. You know where Buffalo Bill's grave is.
40. You know where the real " South Park " is.
41. You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight
42. Driving directions usually include 'Go over _________ Pass.
43. You've 'checked for ticks'
44. You've dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka with a hood.
45. You've gone snow skiing in July and.....
46. You've played golf in January and.....
47. They were in the same year!
48. You've urinated on the Continental Divide just so it could run into both oceans
49. You know what a down slope and an up slope weather pattern is
50. And the most important: You get a certain feeling of satisfaction from knowing that California and Texas are both downstream.
Christmas Cards
Christmas cards
Read on........
What a GREAT idea!
Fun with the ACLU......
What a GREAT idea!
Fun with the ACLU......
Want to have some fun this CHRISTMAS? Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD this year.
As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, CHRISTIAN card to brighten up
their dark, sad, little world. Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on it
Here's the address, just don't be rude or crude. (It's Not the Christian Way, you know!)
ACLU
125 Broad Street
18th Floor
New York, NY 10004
Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn't know if any were regular mail containing contributions.
So spend 39 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone. Also tell them that there is no such thing as a "Holiday Tree". . . . It's a Christmas Tree even in the fields!!
And pass this on to your email lists. We really want to communicate with the ACLU! They really DESERVE us!!
"The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it"
As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, CHRISTIAN card to brighten up
their dark, sad, little world. Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on it
Here's the address, just don't be rude or crude. (It's Not the Christian Way, you know!)
ACLU
125 Broad Street
18th Floor
New York, NY 10004
Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn't know if any were regular mail containing contributions.
So spend 39 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone. Also tell them that there is no such thing as a "Holiday Tree". . . . It's a Christmas Tree even in the fields!!
And pass this on to your email lists. We really want to communicate with the ACLU! They really DESERVE us!!
"The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it"
Albert Einstein
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