Dick, Jane & Spot

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis
and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and
agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.
Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came
time for Dick and Jane Brown to have the dinner at their house, like
most women, Jane wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that
was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Jane got out her cookbook and decided
to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some
mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted
to pay.
She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because
they are too expensive."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those
mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."
She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild
mushrooms are poison."
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the
time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Jane decided to give this a try and got in
the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the
wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get
them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back
porch and go t Ol ' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double
handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol'
Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite.
All morning long, Jane watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to
affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Jane even hired a lady from town to
come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap
on her head. It was first class all the way.
After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and
socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.
About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and
whispered in Jane's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Jane went into hysterics. After she finally calmed
down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will
call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there.
We'll give
everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach.
Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the
ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got
out with their  suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. The doctor
arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the
master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think
everything will be fine now, and he left."
They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and
about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that
fellow that ran
over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!!"

Cardiologist Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry. I was just thinking
of my own funeral---I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

Hillary Problem

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious... Here she's in the middle of her first run for president, and as Senator of New York this has happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming;

"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you?

I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says,

"Who is this?"

Taxes

At first I thought this was funny...
Then I realized the awful truth of it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!  

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

Put these words
Upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me
To my doom..."

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax,
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest expense
Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
T elephone usage charge tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,
And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt,
Had the largest middle class  in the world,
And Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
And now in this great country of mine I have to "press 1" for English!

What happened?

Book Report

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" and "My Life" by Bill Clinton and turn in book reports on each of them. One sharp-witted student turned in the following, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories and hence only one book report was required! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullsh*t artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
 
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica... ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically, the same thing.