2016 FIRST WOMAN PRESIDENT

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wetzel County WV.  A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, "So, Dad, I 
assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a 10 hour drive."

"Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." 

"I don't know.  Everybody will be so fancy.  What would your mother wear?" 

"Oh Dad," replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington ."

"Honey," Dad complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat." 

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington ; I'll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there." 

So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2017 , Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new president's Dad 
and Mom.  

Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States ."

The Senator whispers back, "You bet I do."

Dad says proudly, "Her brother played football at West Virginia  UNIVERSITY."

THINGS YOU DON'T REALLY NEED TO KNOW.

1.  Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs? A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on. 2.  Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not? A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals.  Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave. 3. Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left? A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left.  And that's where women's buttons have remained since. 4.  Q. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses? A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous. 5.  Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'? A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player. 6.  Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast? A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy byoffering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own. 7.  Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'? A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stagelighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliantlight. In the theatre, performers on stage 'in the limelight' wereseen by the audience to be the center of attention. 8.  Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use 'mayday' as their call for help? A: This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' – and is pronounced 'mayday.' 9.  Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'? A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes theyattain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares. 10.  Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'? A: In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'egg.'  When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it 'love.' 11. Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from? A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game 'golf.' So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her.  In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.'

Pilots and Control Towers

Tower: 

"Delta  351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6  miles!" 
Delta 351: 

"Give  us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: 

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45  Degrees." 
TWA 2341:

"Centre,  we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?" 
Tower:

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 

"I'm f...ing bored!" 
Ground Traffic Control:

"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" 
Unknown aircraft:

"I said I was f....ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare  Approach Control to a 747: 

"United  329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock,  three miles,  Eastbound." 
United  329:

"Approach,  I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country  flight.  While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,  

"What  was your last known  position?" 
Student:

"When I was number one for takeoff."

A  DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an  exceedingly long roll out after touching down. 
San Jose Tower Noted:

"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A  Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in   Munich , overheard the following: 
Lufthansa (in  German):

"Ground,  what is our start clearance  time?" 
Ground (in English):

"If you want an answer you must speak in English." 
Lufthansa (in English):

"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .  Why must I speak English? 

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower:  

"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" 
Eastern 702: 

"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.  By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." 
Tower:  

"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.  Did you copy that report from Eastern  702?" 
Continental 635:

"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern.  We've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.  The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.  Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 

"What a cute little plane.  Did you make it all by yourself?" 
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 

"I  made it out of DC-8 parts.  Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird  206: 

"   Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active  runway." 
Ground: 

"Speedbird 206.  Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a  stop. 
Ground: 

"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" 
Speedbird 206: 

"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." 
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):  

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt  before?" 
Speedbird 206 (coolly) : 

"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.  An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?  I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!  You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.  I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" 

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now  shouting hysterically:  

"God!  Now you've screwed everything up!  It'll take forever to sort this out!  You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!  You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!  You got that, US Air 2771?" 
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. 
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.  Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.  Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.  Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 
"Wasn't  I married to you  once?"

Chat with grandson

I was eating lunch with my 10 year old grandson at school when I asked him, "Did you know that President's Day is tomorrow?" 

He nodded. 

So I asked "Do you know what that means?" 

I was waiting for something "profound", since who knows what they teach them these days, as most civics subjects have been deemed "old fashioned", "politically incorrect", and "non-inclusive" in most school districts. 

He said, "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment." 

I was so proud, I almost snorted out my iced tea!! 

Church Bulletin Bloopers

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.