Civil Service Job?

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and
blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right now.  The

hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. 

Come in at 10:00 A.M."
 

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. To
4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.? "
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. For the first
two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for
that."

Fairy Tale

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag, and bitch........

But this was a long, long time ago.....

and it was just ONE day.

The End

Nun Story

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I
hide
underyour skirt? I'll explain later!"
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,"Sister, have you
seen a soldier?"
The nun replied,"He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out fromunder her skirt
and
said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to
Iraq."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pairof
legs!"
The nun replied,
"If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of
balls....I don't want to go to Iraqeither."

Nursing Home Humor

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in
a firm voice. "Have you got a license
for that thing?" Ethel fished around
in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of
her, Butt-Naked, and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test
again.!!!"

80 Yr Old Father To Be

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 80-year-old said,
Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what
do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
 "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and
never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a
bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of
his gun." "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large beaver
sitting at the water's edge.
He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at
the
animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,
bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,
what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Dog Rules

Dog Rules, aren't these true!

 

Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in the specially built wooden compartment named for a very good reason, the dog house.

Ok, the dog can enter the house but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
Ok, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his doghouse could be sold in a garage sale to a rookie dog owner.

Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable, but secure cage.

Ok, the cage becomes part of a "two for one" deal in the garage sale and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.

The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

Ok, the dog can get up on the old furniture, but not the new furniture.
Ok, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works, and buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

Ok, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only.
Ok, the dog can sleep along side you, but he is not allowed under the covers.
Ok, the dog can sleep under the covers, but not with his head on your pillow.
Ok, the dog can sleep along side you, under the covers with his head on your pillow, but if he snores, he's got to leave the room.
Ok, the dog can sleep and snore and fart and have nightmares in your bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where you're now sleeping. That's just not fair.

The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaires as "primary resident" even if it's true.

Remember, in any and all house-hold interactions or disputes:

The dog rules!

The Innocence Of Children

LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and
turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy
looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly,
"and she turned into a telephone pole!"
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied David. "How could he,
with just two worms?"
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning
how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a
higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out,
"Aces!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of
the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters
a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task --
but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could
barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled
to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,
"The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
Church Smiles
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable
in
here?" asked the postal clerk."Only the Ten Commandments," answered the
lady.
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign..."Energy
efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in
exhaust.
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson
was about. The daughter answered, " Don 't be scared, you'll get your
quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the
pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's
Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter
is coming."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
**************************************

Crusty Old Men

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to
the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished
woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.
What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn
church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated
in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the
pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that
the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both
return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what
seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says.
"I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join
this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said
the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

Ancient Chinese Proverbs

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.



 Man who run in front of car get tired.



 Man who run behind car get exhausted.



 Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.



 Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.



 Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.



 Man with one chopstick go hungry.



 Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.



 Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.



 Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.





 Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.



 War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.



 Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.



 Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.



 It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.



 Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.



 Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.



 Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.



 Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.





 Man who fart in church sit in own pew.



 Crowded elevator smell different to midget

A Thought For Us All

Lisa Beamer on Good Morning America - If you remember, she's the wife
of Todd Beamer who said "Let's Roll!" and helped take down the plane
that was heading for Washington, D.C.


She said it's the little things that she misses most about Todd, such
as hearing the garage door open as he came home, and her children
running to meet him. She's now the Mom of a beautiful little girl,
Mary.


Lisa recalled this story:


I had a very special teacher in high school many years ago whose
husband died suddenly of a heart attack. About a week after his
death, she shared some of her insight with a classroom of students.
As the late afternoon sunlight came streaming in through the
classroom windows and the class was nearly over, she moved a few
things aside on the edge of her desk and sat down there.

With a gentle look of reflection on her face, she paused and said,
"Class is over. I would like to share with all of you, a thought that
is unrelated to class, but which I feel is very important.

"Each of us is put here on earth to learn, share, love, appreciate
and give of ourselves. None of us knows when this fantastic
experience will end. It can be taken away at any moment. Perhaps this
is the Powers way of telling us that we must make the most out of
every single day."

Her eyes beginning to water, she went on, "So I would like you all to
make me a promise; From now on, on your way to school, or on your way
home, find something beautiful to notice. It doesn't have to be
something you see, it could be a scent, perhaps of freshly baked
bread wafting out of someone's house, or it could be the sound of the
breeze slightly rustling the leaves in the trees, or the way the
morning light catches one autumn leaf as it falls gently to the
ground.


"Please look for these things, and cherish them. For, although it may
sound trite to some, these things are the 'stuff' of life. The little
things we are put here on earth to enjoy. The things we often take
for granted. We must make it important to notice them, for at anytime
it can all be taken away."


The class was completely quiet. We all picked up our books and filed
out of the room silently. That afternoon, I noticed more things on my
way home from school than I had that whole semester.


Every once in a while, I think of that teacher and remember what an
impression she made on all of us, and I try to appreciate all of
those things that sometimes we all overlook.


Take notice of something special you see on your lunch hour today. Go
barefoot, or walk on the beach at sunset. Stop off on the way home
tonight to get a double dip ice cream cone. For as we get older, is
not the things we did that we often regret, but the things we didn't
do.

Black Hurricanes

Black Hurricanes

It appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African -American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in Language that street people can understand because one of the problems in New Orleans is that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I can hear it now: A weatherman in Houston says.. .


Scroll down ......




"Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo' Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!"

Math trick

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.
Personally I would like to know who came up with this. 

Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your Head)

1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the Area code)
2. Multiply by 80
3. Add 1
4. Multiply by 250
5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
7. Subtract 250

8. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer ??