Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a
divorce for him.
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and a half a nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It is made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a grudge?
No, we have a carport, and not need one.
I mean, what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She is going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at a drugstore and put it
on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says "Polish Remover"

We're all a little crazy!

During a visit to the mental institution, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed near the window?"

Galatians 6:7 God is almighty!!!

Galatians 6:7 states the following:

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man
soweth, that shall he also reap.


Here are some men and women who mocked God :

John Lennon (Singer):
Some years before, during his interview with an American
Magazine, he said: 'Christianity will end, it will disappear. I do
not have to argue about that. I am certain. J esus was ok, but his
subjects were too simple, Today we are more famous than Him' (1966)
Lennon, after saying that the Beatles were more famous than
Jesus Christ, was shot six times.


Tancredo Neves (President of Brazil ):
During the Presidential campaign, he said if he got 500,000
votes from his party, not even God would remove him from Presidency.

Sure he got the votes, but he got sick a day before being made
President, then he died.


Cazuza (Bi-sexual Brazilian composer, singer and poet):
During A show in Canecio ( Rio de Janeiro ), while smoking his
cigarette, he puffed out some smoke into the air and said: "God, that's
for you."
He died at the age of 32 of AIDS in a horrible manner.


The man who built the Titanic
After the construction of Titanic, a reporter asked him how safe
the Titanic would be. With an ironic tone he said: 'Not even God can
sink it."
The result: I think you all know what happened to the Titanic .


Marilyn Monroe (Actress)
She was visited by Billy Graham during a presentation of a show.
He said the Spirit of God had sent him to preach to her. After
hearing what the Preacher had to say, she said: 'I don't need your
Jesus'.

A week later, she was found dead in her apartment .


Bon Scott (Singer)
The ex-vocalist of the AC/DC. On one of his 1979 songs he sang:
'Don't stop me, I'm going down all the way, down the highway to hell'.

On the 19th of February 1980, Bon Scott was found dead, he
had been choked by his own vomit.


Campinas (IN 2005)
In Campinas, Brazil a group of friends, drunk, went to pick up a
friend.....The mother accompanied her to the car and was so worried
about the drunkenness of her friends and she said to the daughter
holding her hand, who was already seated in the car:

'My Daughter, Go With God And May He Protect You..' She
responded: 'Only If He (God) travels in the trunk, cause inside
here.....it's already full '

Hours later, news came by that they had been involved in a fatal
accident, everyone had died,
the car could not be recognized what type of car it had been,
but surprisingly, the trunk was intact.
The police said there was no way the trunk could have remained
intact. To their surprise, inside the trunk was a crate of eggs, none
was broken.

Christine Hewitt Jamaican Journalist and entertainer Said the
Bible (Word of God) was the worst book ever written.

In June 2006 she was found burnt beyond recognition in her
motor vehicle.

Many more important people have forgotten that there is no other name that was given so much authority as the name of Jesus. Many have died, but only Jesus died and rose again, and he is still alive.

Jesus is the soon coming Savior.

, Jesus said: 'If you are embarrassed of
me before men, I will also be embarrassed of you before My Father.'


'Lord, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, and bless
me, my family, my home, and my friends, in Jesus' name. Amen.'

Husbands

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.  He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.  I want her to know what I go through.  So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.  Amen!"

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.  The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.  He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,

Awakened the kids, 
Set out their school clothes, 
Fed them breakfast, 
Packed their lunches, 
Drove them to school, 
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, 
Took it to the cleaners 
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping, 
Then drove home to put away the groceries, 
Paid the bills and balanced the check book. 
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. 
Then, it was already 01P.M. 
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, 
Dust, 
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor. 
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. 
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. 
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. 
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, 
He cleaned the kitchen, 
Ran the dishwasher, 
Folded laundry, 
Bathed the kids, 
And put them to bed. 
At 09 P.M . 
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.  The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.  I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.  Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.  Amen!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.  You'll just have to wait nine months, though.  You got pregnant last night." 

This has been voted Women's Favourite E-mail of the Year! 

Anniversaries......

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.  She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.  She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' <BR><BR>The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses.  The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have gotten out today.'

ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.  The priest ask, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?

Yes, Father it is.

And who was the woman you were with?

I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.  Was ! it Tina Minetti?

I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?

I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capeli?

I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.  You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?  Four months vacation and five good leads.

Wrong e-mail address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.  Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.  The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.  He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me.  They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.  I've just arrived and have been checked in.  I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

Witness

A man walks into a bank, gets in line and when it was his turn he pulled

out a gun and robs the bank.  But just to make sure he leaves no
witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line:  "Did
you see me rob this bank?" to which the customer replies "Yes!"
 
The bank robber raises his gun, points it at the customer's head and
BANG!!, shoots and kills him.
 
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "Did
you see me rob this bank???"
 
The man calmly replies, "No, but my wife did."

Sheriff Joe (This is TRUE)

You all remember Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona , who painted the jail cells
pink and made the inmates wear pink prison garb.
Well.........


SHERIFF JOE IS AT IT AGAIN!


Oh, there's MUCH more to know about Sheriff Joe!

Maricopa County was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray animals, like cats and

dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department over, and the County Supervisors said okay.

The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They feed and care for the

strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and walked twice daily. He now has prisoners who

are experts in animal nutrition and behavior. They give great classes for anyone who'd like to adopt

an animal. He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and

had them place in dog shows.

The best part? His budget for the entire department is now under $3 million. Teresa and I adopted

a Weimaraner from a Maricopa County shelter two years ago. He was neutered, and current on all

shots, in great health, and even had a microchip inserted the day we got him. Cost us $78.

The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most would work for free, just

to be out of their cells for the day. Most of his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He

pays the prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals.

I have long wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the way he runs the jail

system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge farm, donated to the county years ago, where

inmates can work, and they grow most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work
and harvesting by hand. He has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and fertilizer.

It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners work, and you can buy a living Christmas

tree for $6 - $8 for the Holidays, and plant it later. We have six trees in our yard from the Prison.

Yup, he was reelected last year with 83% of the vote.

Now he's in trouble with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and vehicles with a mural, that

has a special hotline phone number painted on it, where you can call and report suspected illegal

aliens. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40

deputies trained specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his hotline, and bought 4 new

buses just for hauling folks back to the border. He's kind of a 'Git-R Dun' kind of Sheriff.



TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO, HE IS THE MARICOPA, ARIZONA

COUNTY SHERIFF , WHERE HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER.

HERE ARE SOME OF THE REASONS WHY:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio (In Arizona ) who created the ' Tent City Jail':

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving, and now charges the inmates for them.

No smoking or porno magazines are allowed in the jails.

Took away the prisoners weights

Cut off all but 'G' movies.

;He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a Federal Court Order that required cable

TV for jails so he hooked up the cable TV again, but only let in the Disney Channel and

The Weather Channel. When asked why The Weather Channel, he replied, 'So they will know

how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.'

He also cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value. When the inmates complained, he told

them, 'This isn't the Ritz/Carlton.....If you don't like it, don't come back.'

He bought Newt Gingrich's lecture series on videotape and he pipes it into the jails. When asked by

a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a Democratic lecture series

might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.

More On The Arizona Sheriff:

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record),

the Associated Press Reports:

About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County

Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts. On

Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted

in the tents, where it reached 138 degrees inside the week before.

Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down

to their PINK SOCKS. 'It feels like we are in a furnace,' said James Zanzot, an inmate who has
lived in the TENTS for 1 year. 'It's Inhumane.'

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city, and long ago started making his prisoners

wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told

all of the inmates:

'It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear,
But they didn't commit any crimes to get there, so shut your mouths!'

Way To Go, Sheriff!

Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals

should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and

commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't

afford to have for themselves.

No Bull. . . . .

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.  We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,    

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

 

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

 

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

 

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,

in capital letters,

 

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

 

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

'That's once a day   ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 

'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow every day!.' 

 

My condition has been upgraded from critical

 to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

The Brick

Note from James:  I try not to post repeats, of which this one I think I have posted before, but had to because the story is so inspiring and really puts into context one of the bigger threats to western culture... our own tunnel vision, enjoy!

Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...

"If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. "

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was

traveling down a neighborhood street,

going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar.

He was watching for kids darting out

from between parked cars

and slowed down when he thought he saw something.

As his car passed, no children appeared.

Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!

He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to

the spot where the brick had been thrown.

The angry driver then jumped out of the car,

grabbed the nearest kid and

pushed him up against a parked car shouting,

"What was that all about and who are you?

Just what the heck are! you doing?

That's a new car and that brick you threw is

going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"

The young boy was apologetic.

"Please, mister..please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,"

He pleaded.

"I threw the brick because no one else would stop..."

With tears dripping down his face

and off his chin, the youth pointed to a

spot just around a parked car.

"It's my brother," he said.

"He rolled off the curb and fell

out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive,

"Would you please help me get him back into his

wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling

lump in his throat

He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into

the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the

fresh scrapes and cuts.

A quick look told him everything was going to be okay..

"Thank you and may God bless you,"

the grateful child told the stranger.

Too shook up for words, the man simply watched

the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the

sidewalk toward their home

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar.

The damage was very noticeable,

but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side

door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message

"Don't go through life so fast that someone

has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!"

God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts.

Sometimes when we don't have time to listen,

He has to throw a brick at us.

It's our choice to listen or not.

Thought for the Day:

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring.

He sends you a sunrise every morning.

Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!

Send this to every "beautiful person" you wish to

bless, . God didn't promise days without

pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He

did promise strength for the day,

comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

PLEASE READ

To all my friends who in 2007 sent me   best 'wishes', chain letters,  letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,                    

 

NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!

 

For 2008, could you please just send MONEY, Grey Goose, Patron ,wine, movie tickets, gasoline vouchers and /or airline tickets instead?

                                                   Thank you!

Cowboy tale...

Brave Cowboy

 A Wyoming cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you  ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'Once, on a trip to  the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who  were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the largest and most heavily  tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped  out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!' '

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

 'Just a couple minutes ago...

How did Red Skeleton Know?

Some of you may remember him but he passed away maybe before some Of you were born. Red Skelton was a good & funny man. He also ended Every show by saying, 'GOOD NIGHT AND GOD BLESS'. Listen to the end of this. It is something he said 38 years ago.

RED SKELTON-HOW DID HE KNOW??????
Very important that you listen to the very end!! Eerie! Take a moment and Listen to it (from 1969). It sure sounds as if he knew what was going to take Place 65 years later.
Click on the link, and turn your sound on.

http://patriotfiles.org/Pledge.htm



FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW:
Red Skelton was a movie star and comedian on television back in the 1950s. He created a number of characters, and his show was watched by millions. He did this on his show one evening--back when shows were live

Gentle thoughts

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.  

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.  

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.  

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.  

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.  

 

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.  

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.


Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'    

 

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.  

 

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.  It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, it's called golf.  

 

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN

CONVERSATION

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. When the plane took off and settled into its climb, the stranger turned to the little girl and said I've always found that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "OK. What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"Yes," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass -- the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thought for a few moments,, then said: "You know, I've never thought about that. I have no idea."
The little girl began to open her book again, saying: "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

The Tax Rebate

President George Bush said each one of us would get a $600.00 tax rebate. It was previously slated to be $800.00, but they dropped it to a $600.00 tax rebate because of various budget problems.



Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China, if we spend it on computers, most of the money will go to Korea or India.



If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs and none of these scenarios will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America



.....so the only way to keep that money here at home is to drink Bourbon, gamble, or spend it on prostitution. Currently it seems that these are the only businesses still left in the U.S.




I'm Governor Elliot Spitzer and I approve of this message.

Forgiveness

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small, elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'

BEST SHORT JOKE SO FAR THIS YEAR

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

''Mom'', he asked, ''Are these my brains?''

''Not yet,'' she replied.

Dangerous Senior

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four
males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags
and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs:
I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!
The four men didn't wait for a second threat.They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get
her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why,
.. it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a
Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she
found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a
car jacking by a mad
elderly woman
described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white
hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story?
If you're going to have a 'Senior Moment', make it memorable...

Best Drunk Story of the Month

BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at
the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a
corner table. He gets  up, staggers to the table,
leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in
the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house
today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His
buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker
and would fight at  the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got
it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I
ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma
liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk
by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and
says....................



'Grandpa;....... Go home!  You're drunk.

Before I was a Mom....

Before I was a Mom: I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations. Before I was a Mom: I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night. Before I was a Mom: I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or Give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously hap py over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep. Before I was a Mom: I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her Down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't Stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom. Before I was a Mom: I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so  Important and happy. Before I was a Mom: I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes To Make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, The wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom. Send this to someone who you think is a special Mom. Including the Person who thought of you today and sent it to YOU... :) Applies doubly to Grandmothers!!!

A fairy Tale

A married couple in their early 60's was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,

"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being so loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.



"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and - POOF! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."


The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - POOF! The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.

Quiz

Here's a little quiz to see how much you remember about some less-than-important things from a few decades back. Even the wrong answers may bring back a memory or two.

Have Fun (but no peeking at the answers!). Then, forward it to friends with your score in the box.



1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster Exercise Machine
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil


2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay


3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...
A. It's you
B.! He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D. It's bad!
E. He's really mean
F. We quit
G. He surrendered


4. Good night, David.
A. Good night, Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good Night, Irene
D. Good Night, Gracie
E. See you later, alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night, Steve



5. You'll wonder where the yellow went,
A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub with Rub-A-Dub-Dub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent



6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend,
A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo



7. Liar, liar...
A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom



8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and...
A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines



9 . Hey, kids, what time is it?
A. It's time for Yogi Bear
B. It's time to do your homework< /FONT>
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's Time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scooby Doo Time



10. Lions and tigers and bears...
A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E. Oh My
F. Help Help
H. Let's run



11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone
A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
F. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu



12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings.
A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway



13. Brylcream...
A. Smear it on
B. You'll smell great
C . Tame that cowlick
D. Greaseball heaven
E. It's a dream
F. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya



14. I found my thrill...
A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill



15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by
A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno



16. Name the Beatles

A. John, Steve, George , Ringo
B. John, Paul, George , Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George , Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George , Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George , Ringo



17. I wonder, wonder, wonder, who
A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?



18. I'm strong to the finish
A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E. And don't you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
g. To outlast Bruto



19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today...
a. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
b. Smile, you're on Star Search
c. Smile, you won the lottery
d. Smile, we're watching you
e. Smile, the world sees you
f. Smile, you're a hit
g. Smile, you're on TV



20. What do M & M's do?
a. Make your tummy happy
b. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
c. Make you fat
d. Melt your heart
e. Make you popular
f. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
g. Come in colors



Okay, now scroll down for the answers!
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Okay, that's it. Here are the right answers.

1 d - Wonder Bread
2 g - Cassius Clay
3 b - He Is Us
4 a - Good night, Chet
5 g - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6 d - Maynard G. Krebbs
7 c - Pants On Fire
8 f - The American Way
9 c - It's Howdy Doody Time
10 e - Oh My
11 d - Over 30
12 c - Joe Namath
13 g - A little dab'll do ya
14 g - On Blueberry Hill
15 b - Mary Martin
16 g - John, Paul, George , Ringo
17 d - Who wrote the book of Love
18 b - Cause I eats me spinach
19 a - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
20 f - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand


Don't forget to put your score in the subject line when you forward this on.