Roadside Assistance

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers... 

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. 
 
It was not very long before a police car arrives. 
 
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?" 

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly. 
 
"Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer... 

"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.  

Will I Live To Be 80??

Will I live to be 80?
I recently turned 65 and had to choose a newprimary care physician
for my Medicare program.

After two visits andexhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
well" for my age.

Alittle concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do youthink I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drinkalcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs,either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"Isaid, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eyesteaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that allred meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, likeplaying golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," Isaid.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot ofsex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked atme and said, "Then why do you give a shit?

Good Laugh

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for
my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind
me asked if I had a dog........Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her
no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care unit with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in
both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she
was totally buying it. I told her that it was an
easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is
to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets
and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The package said the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in
the line was by now enthralled with my story,
particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food
had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the
hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking
my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be
carried out the door.

Guess Who?

NBA or NFL?


36
have been accused of spousal abuse






7
have been arrested for fraud






19
have been accused of writing bad checks




117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at  least 2 businesses




3
have done time for assault



71,
repeat
71 cannot
get a  credit card due to bad credit



14
have been arrested on drug-related charges

8
have been arrested for shoplifting



21
currently
are defendants in lawsu its, and



84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in
the last year



Can
you guess which organization this is?
!


Give
up yet? . . . Scroll down,    




























Neither,
it's the 535 members of the United States Congress.


The
same  group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.




You
gotta pass this one on!

  AND THEY JUST VOTED THEMSELVES $15,000 PER MONTH PENSION FOR LIFE AFTER SERVING ONLY ONE TERM IN CONGRESS!!

Kicking

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a
farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed because he's so hungry. He goes to feed
the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and he
kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes
back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk
in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon
for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you
aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you
going to tell him or should I?""

Have A Fantabulous Day Thanks to Jim & Edna

"Jim and Edna"

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out.

When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
minded-ness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his
bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied; "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"

Ponderisms....

Ponderisms....

 

1.  Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those

little bottles of  Evian water?

  Try  spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

2.  Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing

section in a  swimming pool?

(My  sentiments exactly!)

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3.   OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the  "Jags" and

the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as  the "Bucs," what does that make

the Tennessee Titans?

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

4.   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one

enjoys it?

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

5.   There are three religious truths:

  a.  Jews do not recognize Jesus as the  Messiah.

  b.  Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the

       leader of the Christian faith.

  c.  Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor

       store or at Hooters.

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

6.    If people from Poland are called Poles, why  aren't people from

Holland called  Holes?

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

7.   If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*

 

8.    Why do croutons come in airtight  packages?

        Aren't they  just stale bread to begin  with?

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

9.   Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who

  drives a racecar is not called a  racist?

 

 

*  ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

10.Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it   follow

  that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,  cowboys

  deranged,  models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry  cleaners

depressed?

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*!  ~*~*~*~*

 

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

14. What  hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of  bald men?

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot

more  as they get older; then it dawned on me ...they're cramming for

their final  exam.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

16.  I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little

spoons and  forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What

are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their

pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while

they  deliver the mail?

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

18.   If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are

the  others here for?

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

22.   If  a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out of her nose?

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

 

     *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

24.As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the

two words  "The" and "IRS" together it spells  "THEIRS"?

Ladies at golf

Two ladies were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next
hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a
physio-therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine
in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence,
however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands
away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her
hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied,

"It feels really, really great, but my thumb still hurts."

Bar

A man walks into a bar one night, goes up to the bar, and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

"That's right." The barman replied.

So the guy glanced over at the menu, and asked, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replied the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?"

"Four cents," the barman said.

"Four cents?! Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replied, "Upstairs with my wife."

"What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender smiled. "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Two Women Meet in Heaven

1st woman:  Hi!  My name is Wanda.

2nd woman:  Hi, I'm Sylvia!  So, how did you die?

1st woman:  I froze to death.

2nd woman:  How horrible!

1st woman:  It wasn't so bad.  After I quit shaking from the cold,

                      I began to get warm & sleepy, and  finally died a peaceful death.What

                      about you?

 2nd woman:  I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my

husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.But,

instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
< BR>1st woman:  So,what happened?

2nd woman:  I was so sure there was another woman there some where that I started running all over the house looking.

                       I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through

                       every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked

                      everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a

                     heart attack and died.

1st woman:  Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.....we'd both still be alive.

 

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK !!!

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...     he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at
the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
with mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams
of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and
I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any
clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!


Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak.

Guy Rules

Just to set the record straight...

 

 

 Guys' Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
 
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Scientific Study

UCLA STUDY

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in
his forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Opening Day

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee season opener sitting in the first row,
with the Secret Service agents directly behind them.


One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to
Bill.


At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the
agent, and shakes his head.


The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of
the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy. "


Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him
the fans would love it!


Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people
want." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat
of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the
field.


She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "I'll kill you! You
@#$!&&&&&&&&*%$%**!!!..


The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering,
hooting & hollering, and high-fiving.


Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the
agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much
everyone would enjoy that!"


Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.


The agent replies, "Mr. President, Sir, I said they wanted you to throw
out the first "Pitch".

The Fun in Getting Older

The undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
2.) Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think
is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply
replied, "No peer pressure."
3.) The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
eggs.
4.) I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees, Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have
bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
5.) I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated,
jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my
leotards on, the class was over.
6.) An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the
preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters
visit me twice a week "
7.) My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.
8.) Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
9.) It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
coffeemaker.
10.) These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast
relief."
11.) Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow
old because you stop laughing.
12.) --- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the
people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Breast Cancer Support

Pleeeeeeeease keep this going!



We have all been touched by  cancer , somewhere  in our lives. Please read below and keep it going. . . .    

I have been asked to keep this going and hope you will keep it moving too.
New   M&M   colors .
Pass this on to all of your friends. There are many women out there who have breast  cancer Let's do all we can to support this cause.  

New  Pink & White   M&M's   < BR>
The maker of M&M   candies has teamed up with the  Susan  G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation   to raise funds through the sale of their new " pink  & white" M&M candies.

For each 8-ounce bag of the special candies sold, the makers of  M&M< /FONT>   (Masterfoods) will donate 50 cents to the foundation. The next time you want a treat, please pick up a bag (now sold in stores nationwide) - you will be donating to a great cause and satisfying your sweet tooth.

Just  think...If each of us buy one bag or two....how much will  be donated.  Buy a bag for a friend...........  

Please pass on to all  your family and friends.  
  
If I could catch a rainbow
I would do it just for you
And share with you it's beauty
On the days you're feeling blue.   

New Immigrant...

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new
immigrant to the United  States.
He stops the first person he sees walking
down the street  and says,
"Thank you, Mr. American, for letting me in
this country,  giving
me housing, food stamps, free medical care,
and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am
Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another
passerby.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful
country here in America !"

The person says, "I not American, I
Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next
person he sees he stops, shakes his
hand and says,
"Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am

from Middle East, I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are
you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa!"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the
Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and

says..."Probably at work."

Chelsea

Chelsea returned from a date, and Hillary asked her if she had a good
time, etc. Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in
love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

 Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

Wal-Mart Greeter

Wal-Mart Greeter
 
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
     
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.  Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think   they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?

"I'm neither blind nor stupid," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

Dog for Sale...

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit. "

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after it has been taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89; reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.