What Santa would say...

Well, here's an old-time Christmas classic e-mail......
"If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly"

  Dear Santa,

   I wood like a cool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a
   gud boy all yeer yer Frend, BiLLy
 
 
   Dear Billy,
   Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn
   care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can
   learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother
   the space ranger. At least HE can spell!   Santa
 
 
 
   Dear Santa,
   I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I
   ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
   Love, Sarah
 
 
   Dear Sarah,
   Your parents smoked pot when they had you. Didn't they?
   Santa
 
 
   Dear Santa,
   I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd
   like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please
   see what you can do?   Love, Teddy
 
 
 
   Dear Teddy,
   Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen
   door in a hurricane.  Do you think he's gonna give that
   up to come back to your frigid mom, who continually rides his ass
   constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get
   you some nice Legos instead.  
   Santa
 
 
 
   Dear Santa,
   I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.
   Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
   Love, Francis
 
 
   Dear Francis,
   Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're
   gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.    Santa
 
 
 
   Dear Santa,
   I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I
   left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
   Love, Susan
 
 
 
   Dear Susan,
   Milk gives me the runs.  Carrots make the deer fart in
   my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a
   favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. 
   Santa
 
 
 
   Dear Santa,
   What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you
   busy making toys?  
   Your friend, Thomas
 
 
 
   Dear Thomas,
   All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Miami,
   where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno 
   films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing
   the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at   
   the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know.  
   Santa
 
 
   
    Dear Santa,
    Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know
    when we're awake, like in the song?    Love, Jessica
 
 
 
    Dear Jessica,
    Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde ?
     Good luck in whatever you do. You need therapy! I'm  skipping your house.
     Santa
 
 
 
     Dear Santa,
     I really really want a puppy this year. Please please
     please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?  
     Timmy
 
 
 
     Timmy,
     That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but
     that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater
     again. So, chill out.   
     Santa
 
 
 
       Dearest Santa,
       We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get
       into our home?   
       Love, Marky
 
 
 
       Mark, first, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why
       you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you
       don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment
       complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the
       boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
       Sweet Dreams,
       Santa