Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0
to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new
program began unexpected child processing
that took up a lot of space and valuable
resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself
into all other programs and now monitors
all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0,
Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife  1.0 in the
background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about
going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the
uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men
complain about. Many people upgrade from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that
it is just a Utilities and Entertainment
program. Wife  1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete
Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the
program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because
Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look
in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0
and work on improving the situation. I suggest
installing the background application "Yes Dear"
to alleviate software augmentation. The best
course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have
to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to
be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with
several support programs, such as Clean and
Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these
programs. Improper use will cause the system
to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this
happens, the only way to improve the performance
of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.
I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances,
install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This
application is not supported by Wife 1.0
and will cause irreversible damage to the
operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Great Radio

I bought a new 2007 Cadillac and returned to the  dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the  radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!" he said, "Nelson"!

The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
 

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instan t "Georgia on My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.

 

I drove away happy, and for  the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful  classical music, and if  I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome  songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Assholes!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to  play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael  Moore and The Dixie Chicks,  with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Barbara Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this car!

BK christmas

ok this will be (I think) my one and only christmas joke thing.

go to this link - you might have already seen it.

http://www.gdd.net/bkholiday/index.php

Christmas soldier

               T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

 HE LIVED ALL ALONE,

 IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF

 PLASTER AND STONE.


 

 I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY

 WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,

 AND TO SEE JUST WHO

 IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.


 

 I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,

 A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,

 NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,

 NOT EVEN A TREE.


 

 NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,

 JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,

 ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES

 OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.


 

 WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,

 AWARDS OF ALL KINDS, A SOBER THOUGHT

 CAME THROUGH MY MIND.


 

 FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,

 IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,

 I FOUND THE HOME OF A MARINE,

 ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.


 

 THE MARINE LAY SLEEPING,

 SILENT AND ALONE,

 CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR

 IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.


 

 THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,

 THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,

 NOT HOW I PICTURED

 A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.


 

 WAS THIS THE HERO

 OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?

 CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,

 THE FLOOR FOR A BED?


 

 I REALIZED THE FAMILIES

 THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,

 OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS

 WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.


 

 SOON ROUND THE WORLD,

 THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,

 AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE

 A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.


 

 THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM

 EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,

 BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,

 LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.


 

 I COULDN'T HELP WONDER

 HOW MANY LAY ALONE,

 ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE

 IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.


 

 THE VERY THOUGHT

 BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,

 I DROPPED TO MY KNEES

 AND STARTED TO CRY.


 

 THE MARINE AWAKENED

 AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,

 "SANTA DON'T CRY,

 THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE";


 

 I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,

 I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,

 MY LIFE IS MY GOD,

 MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."


 

 THE MARINE ROLLED OVER

 AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,

 I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,

 I CONTINUED TO WEEP.


 

 I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,

 SO SILENT AND STILL

 AND WE BOTH SHIVERED

 FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.


 

 I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE

 ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,

 THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR

 SO WILLING TO FIGHT.


 

 THEN THE MARINE ROLLED OVER,

 WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,

HE WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,

 IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."


 

 ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,

 AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.

 "MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,

 AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT

Yard Work

I was doing garden work this weekend and my wife was about to take a
shower.
I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife,
"Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye,  
then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. 
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast,
then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?" 
She replies, 
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"

From the album "Illegal Danish Super Snacks Soundtrack"

Yo, what up G?
Lemme tell you about MC.
You ain't got no life.

You ain't got no friends.
And I know you want to spend your weekend with 40 people you don't know,
And some guy named Puff telling you what to do!

"Oh hell yeah that's me, where do I sign up?"

On the website!

"Wow!"

You can be a winner!

"Eeeeeee!"

We're MC raiders.
We ain't got no lives.
You ain't got to tell me about attunement,
If you've got core fragments you've already been through it.
Talk to the quest guy and jump through the hole and...
give me your buffs so i can pull like a pro man.



Let's go bitches.

Olgra on the left, Thinktank on the right
pull those big ass giants.
"No mortal Strike!"
Who pulled the surger with the core hounds?

I think a hunter did, but he's dead now.
Shut up noob, this is my song.
Sorry!

Lucifron, Magmadar, Gehennas and Garr,
farm status players,
have you got that far?


Ok, who was the living bomb?
I didn't know...
Well congratulations, you win the dumbass award!
(Sobbing)This is my first time!
You're not leet enough for molten core.

We're MC raiders.
We ain't go no lives.

You ain't got to tell me bout them epics.
I just disenchanted one into a nexus.

Shazzrah, Golemagg and Sulfuron,
Another thunderstrike that nobody will roll on.

"Paladins, Hunters, anybody?"

"I am not wasting DKP on that piece of crap!"

"OooK"

Majordomo's chest,
it's time for the phat lewt.
Will we get the Leaf
or an Eye of Divinity.

Why don't we have a Druid tank Rag?
Hax!
I've got 13000 AC!
Nerf!
Shadow form Ok?
No!
I'm gonna do it anyway.
Hell no!

We're MC raiders.
We ain't go no lives.

You guys suck!
Start walking back.

One Liners to remember

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on

Saturday night. --Rodney Dangerfield
 
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
500SL." --Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --Camille
Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are
unimportant." --George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship." --Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." --Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack
Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks ...or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush

"Ah, yes... divorce: From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" --Billy
Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful." --Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little sex advice in men's magazines, because men think:
I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!" --Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up
whom." --Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy." --Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman...
stuff you pay good money for in later life."--Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar
Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
--George Burns

CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Now send it to 10 or more people.
Nothing will happen but 10 people will laugh
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Where Do Pets Come From?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.   And it was a good animal.  And God was pleased.  And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.  And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."   And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.  And they were comforted.  And God was pleased.  And Dog was content and wagged his tail.   After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."  And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,  they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.   And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a sh__ one way or the other.

What Santa would say...

Well, here's an old-time Christmas classic e-mail......
"If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly"

  Dear Santa,

   I wood like a cool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a
   gud boy all yeer yer Frend, BiLLy
 
 
   Dear Billy,
   Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn
   care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can
   learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother
   the space ranger. At least HE can spell!   Santa
 
 
 
   Dear Santa,
   I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I
   ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
   Love, Sarah
 
 
   Dear Sarah,
   Your parents smoked pot when they had you. Didn't they?
   Santa
 
 
   Dear Santa,
   I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd
   like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please
   see what you can do?   Love, Teddy
 
 
 
   Dear Teddy,
   Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen
   door in a hurricane.  Do you think he's gonna give that
   up to come back to your frigid mom, who continually rides his ass
   constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get
   you some nice Legos instead.  
   Santa
 
 
 
   Dear Santa,
   I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.
   Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
   Love, Francis
 
 
   Dear Francis,
   Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're
   gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.    Santa
 
 
 
   Dear Santa,
   I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I
   left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
   Love, Susan
 
 
 
   Dear Susan,
   Milk gives me the runs.  Carrots make the deer fart in
   my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a
   favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. 
   Santa
 
 
 
   Dear Santa,
   What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you
   busy making toys?  
   Your friend, Thomas
 
 
 
   Dear Thomas,
   All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Miami,
   where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno 
   films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing
   the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at   
   the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know.  
   Santa
 
 
   
    Dear Santa,
    Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know
    when we're awake, like in the song?    Love, Jessica
 
 
 
    Dear Jessica,
    Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde ?
     Good luck in whatever you do. You need therapy! I'm  skipping your house.
     Santa
 
 
 
     Dear Santa,
     I really really want a puppy this year. Please please
     please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?  
     Timmy
 
 
 
     Timmy,
     That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but
     that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater
     again. So, chill out.   
     Santa
 
 
 
       Dearest Santa,
       We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get
       into our home?   
       Love, Marky
 
 
 
       Mark, first, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why
       you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you
       don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment
       complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the
       boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
       Sweet Dreams,
       Santa

Daddy is an Exotic Dancer

 Daddy Is An Exotic Dancer

 One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.. All the typical answers came up--fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

 But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the Teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and  they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and do the gigolo bit for money."

 The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

 "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the nomination of Hillary Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the others

Flatulence Forces Plane to Land

By Associated Press

Wed Dec 6, 6:07 AM

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said.

The Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches, said Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. All 99 passengers and five crew members were taken off and screened while the plane was searched and luggage was screened.

The FBI questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal a "body odor," Lowrance said. She had an unspecified medical condition, authorities said.

"It's humorous in a way but you feel sorry for the individual, as well," she said. "It's unusual that someone would go to those measures to cover it up."

The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane. The woman, who was not identified, was not charged in the incident.

Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Memory Loss

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in
Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12
years... chatting, and enjoying each other''s friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,
"Please don''t be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all
these years. . .What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just
can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing
for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon
do you have to know?"

Our Daily Chicken

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million
dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day
our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope
refused his offer.

Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change
it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our
daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer.
Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and
finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his
officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news
is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad
news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''

New Heimlick Maneuver

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get out the peanut.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

You might be a Coloradoan if

It was only a matter of time before Jeff Foxworthy took a couple of pot shots at Colorado.

You are a Coloradoan if

1. You switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in one day.

2. You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means.

3. Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from the mountains.

4. You're a meat-eating vegetarian.

5. The bike on your car is worth more than your car and you have your own special bike lane.

6. You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching.

7. You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise.

8. You think your major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire beer.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

10. You think that sexy lingerie is wool socks and flannel PJs.

11. You know all 4 seasons "almost winter, winter, still winter and spring blizzards

12. You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a CU/CSU victory.

13. You can never figure out why your out-of-town guests faint from altitude sickness on a picnic to the mountains.

14. You can drive over a 12,000-foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but can't get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.

15. You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista

16. When you visit friends at sea level, you can drink a case of 20 beer and not get a buzz.

17. Your car insurance costs more than your car.

18. You have surge protectors on every outlet.

19. April showers bring May blizzards.

20. 'Timberline' is someplace you have actually been.

21. You know what a 'Chinook' is

22. You know what a 'Rocky Mountain Oyster' is.

23. You know what a "fourteener" is.

24. But you don't know what a "turn signal" is.

25. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a Democrat in Congress does.

26. Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning rod.

27. You know who Alfred Packer was and what he did.

28. You know who Baby Doe Tabor was.

29. SPF 90 is not out of the question.

30. People from out of state breathe 5 times as often as you do.

31. Having a Senator named Nighthorse doesn't seem strange.

32. Thunder has set off your car alarm.

33. A full moon has never kept you awake at night.

34. You have an $800 stereo in your $300 truck.

35. A sudden loss of cabin pressure is not a big deal.

36. You think a red light means 3 more cars can go.

37. Where we're going, we don't need roads!!

38. You know where Doc Holliday's grave is.

39. You know where Buffalo Bill's grave is.

40. You know where the real " South Park " is.

41. You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight

42. Driving directions usually include 'Go over _________ Pass.

43. You've 'checked for ticks'

44. You've dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka with a hood.

45. You've gone snow skiing in July and.....

46. You've played golf in January and.....

47. They were in the same year!

48. You've urinated on the Continental Divide just so it could run into both oceans

49. You know what a down slope and an up slope weather pattern is

50. And the most important: You get a certain feeling of satisfaction from knowing that California and Texas are both downstream.

Christmas Cards

Christmas cards

Read on........
What a GREAT idea!
Fun with the ACLU......

Want to have some fun this CHRISTMAS?  Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD this year.
As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, CHRISTIAN card to brighten up
their dark, sad, little world.  Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on it

Here's the address, just don't be rude or crude.  (It's Not the Christian Way, you know!)

ACLU
125 Broad Street
18th Floor
New York, NY 10004

Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn't know if any were regular mail containing contributions.

So spend 39 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone. Also tell them that there is no such thing as a "Holiday Tree". . . . It's a Christmas Tree even in the fields!!

And pass this on to your email lists. We really want to communicate with the ACLU! They really DESERVE us!!

"The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it"

Albert Einstein

Just Thinking of all you guys

I like you because of who you are to me...A true friend. And if I don't get this back I'll take the hint. Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they like you. Something good will happen to you at 1:00-4:00 PM tomorrow. It could be anywhere -- AOL, Yahoo, outside of school, anywhere. Get ready for the biggest shock of your life. Please send to 5 people in 5 minutes. Remember: "A good friend will come bail you out of jail.... But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying . ! WE screwed up, but we had fun! " Proud to be your Friend! Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence, and don't skip ahead. I've learned...that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I've learned...that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned...that money doesn't buy class. I've learned...that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned...that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned...that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I've learned...that to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I've learned. I've learned...that the less time I have to work, the more things I get done. To all of you...make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence. It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you . If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.