Trick or Treat

TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN HAVING SEX

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
 9. Once you've done it, you don't have to wait an hour to do it again
 8. The uglier you look, the more likely you'll get some.
 7. You don't have to make small talk with the person who gave you the candy.
 6. The person giving it to you isn't fantasizing you're someone else.
 5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
 4. If you wear a mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
 3. Doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
 2. You don't have to call the person that gave it to you next week.

    and the #1 reason trick-or-treating is better than having sex...

 1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

0 to 200

Roger was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.  Patti was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Roger got up early and left for work. When Patti woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Roger have been scheduled for Friday. 

Turkey Day Joke

One year at Thanksgiving, my Mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.  Knowing how gullible my sister  is, my Mom decided to play a trick.   She told my sister that she needed something from the store.  When my sister left, my Mom took the turkey out of the oven and removed the stuffing. She then stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey and re-stuffed the turkey. She placed the bird(s) back in the oven and allowed them to finish cooking.  When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.  With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.  It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay egg!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!!

Bumper stickers

A man was being tailgated by a woman on a busy boulevard.  Suddenly,

the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

  He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he
could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

  The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, dropping her
cell phone and makeup and screaming in frustration as she missed her chance
to get through the intersection,.

  As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and
looked up into the face of a police officer.

  The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

  He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger
printed, photographed, and placed in a cell.

  After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened
the door.

  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

  He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of
you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

  "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would
Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the ' Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and
the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

  Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Neil Armstrong

ARMSTRONG

GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE - ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S A TRUE STORY.

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions. Then, just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no "Gorsky" in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa, Florida while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex? You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"