Neil Armstrong

ARMSTRONG

GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE - ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S A TRUE STORY.

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions. Then, just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no "Gorsky" in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa, Florida while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex? You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Politics

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also,since he lost his job four years ago, he hasn't even looked for a newone. All he does is buy big cigars and cruise around and shoots the breeze with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York for God 's sake! Act like one.

Third Graders

Three third graders -- an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid

are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie."

They all agree. The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Irish kid.   He whips his out.   His is a couple of inches longer.   Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out.   It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.   "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest!   The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly.
Is that true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey.   It's because you're twenty-three."

Reward ...

Sam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.  Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Edith's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. 

   
They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath - and their favorite clothes hung in the 
closet. 
 
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." 
 
Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. 
 
"Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." 
   
Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. 
 
"This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free - every day if you want to." 
  
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 
 
"Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven. It is all free for you to enjoy." 
  
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he 
asked. 
 
"That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is 
Heaven!" 
 
Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?" 
 
"Not unless you want to," was the answer. 
 
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or ...." 
 
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself." 
 
Sam glared at Edith and said, "You and your shitty bran muffins. We could have been here 15 years ago!"

Women...

  When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

 Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

 I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

 The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

TWO GUYS AT HOME DEPOT LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVES

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue
eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does  your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Jesus Is Watching

A burglar broke into a house one night.  He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.

After a couple of minutes of hearing nothing more, he shook his head and promised himself a vacation after the next big score.  Then he clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.   Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a Parrot.  "Did you say that?" He hissed at the Parrot.  "Yep," the Parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh?  Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."  

How many F's

ALZHEIMER'S EYE TEST

Count every "F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

HOW MANY ?
..................... 3?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.

READ IT AGAIN !

Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning is:
The brain cannot process "OF".  Incredible or what?  Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Baby Boomer Blues

It must have been fun being a baby boomer  ... Until now. Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with  new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.  They  include:

1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown,  You've Got a Lovely Walker.

2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a  Broken Hip.

3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a  Flash.

4. Ringo  Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever  I Forgot Your Face.

6. Johnny Nash--- I  Can't See Clearly Now.

7. Paul Simon--- Fifty  Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three  Times to the Bathroom.

9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the  Grape Nuts.

10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

12. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a  Kidney Stone.

13. Abba--- Denture Queen.

14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On  The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

15. Helen  Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

16. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure,  and I'll Cry If I Want To.

17. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode  Again

Catholic Dog - Donation & Confession. :)

CATHOLIC DOG

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough
to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?
 
DONATION
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
 
CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

Husbands Funeral

A woman's husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely nothing left from the $30,000."

The friend asks, "How can that be?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church -- that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks -- you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" The widow says, "Four and a half carats."

The leopard and the poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.  One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering  about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop  on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?",  but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me 
another leopard!

Whee!

THIS IS GOOD!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5609968454281122139

French Fun

France - The real view

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--General George S. Patton

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"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf

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"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."

--Marge Simpson

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"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."

--Jacques Chirac, President of France



"As far as France is concerned, you're right."

--Rush Limbaugh

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"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."

--Regis Philbin

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"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."

-- John McCain , U.S. Senator from Arizona

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"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."

--David Letterman

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"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada ."

--Ted Nugent

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"War without France would be like ... World War II."

--Unknown

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"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.'"

--Tom Brokaw

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"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"

--Dennis Miller

---- --------------------------

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."

--Alan Kent

-----------------------------

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."

--Argus Hamilton

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"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'"

--Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

-----------------------------

"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq "

--Dennis Miller

------------------------------

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

-----------------------------

"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried."

--Rep. R. Blount, MO

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"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining."

--John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

------------------------------

The AP and UPI reported that the French government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

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French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

The Farm Kid

Dear Ma and Pa,

  I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you have to stay in bed till nearly 6 AM, but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you got to do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so  it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.  This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges.
They come in boxes.
     Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get  onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Beth Ann

Coffin

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...
FASTER...

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP..
clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

The coffin stops

One...

Here is good joke for you.

 

See if you can guess what the item is?

 

One man made it and does not want it.

 

One man needs it and does not know he needs it.

 

Everyone needs one, but never wants one.

 

What is it?

 

A casket!

Retirement

And they ask why I like retirement....?????

Question: How many days in a Retiree week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
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Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
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Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
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Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
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Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
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Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.
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Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
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Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
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Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
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Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
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Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never-ending Coffee Break.
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Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.