Obama's Panic

President Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked

 in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.
 
In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white, he called his doctor and told him
of his problem.
 
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination,
the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to
drink it all.
 
Barack drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like bullshit!'
 
The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.

Happy Married Life

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So he said to his new wife , 'Honey, I'll be right back.' 'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife. 'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.' The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop.. but at the bar. You know, they have frozen glasses. ' He didn't get to finish the sentence because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer - so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back, I promise. OK?' 'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. 'But my sweet honey at the bar you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that.' 'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR FRICKIN' BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR DAMNED HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A BAR... THAT SHIT'S OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?' And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

 

 

Cows, Constitution, and the 10 Commandments

COWS


Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow,

born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington ?  And, they tracked her

calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million llegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give

each of them a cow..

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THE CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really

smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

 

The reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this -- you cannot post

'Thou Shalt Not Steal'. 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and

politicians .... it creates a hostile work environment.

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A Good Argument - One I Stand By

This man makes  the best argument against the Obamacare program in less than four minutes than I've heard in four months of discourse.

 

This is fantastic! 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G44NCvNDLfc&feature=player_embedded

 

Wedding test

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.    My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:  

Always keep your condoms in your car.  
Have a fabulous day....