This Is Not A Lawyer Joke

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says,
"Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.
The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his
way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case
her way.
 

In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the
defense."

TOILET PAPER

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER   Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of
the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.

Stupid, stupid man!
 

First time sex

 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such
a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time

      The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.
     A t the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
 T  h e boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited
for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
      The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist.'

DEER MEAT

DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
It is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
Begged their dad for the clue.
 
Well, he said,  'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother

'Don't eat it, it's an asshole..

Can I borrow $25?

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year
old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: 'Daddy, may I ask you a question?'
DAD: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the man.
SON: 'Daddy, how much do you make an hour?'
DAD: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the
man said angrily.
SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an
hour?'
DAD: 'If you must know, I make $50 an hour.'
SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.
SON: 'Daddy, may I please borrow $25?'

The father was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you
can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then
you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why
you are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish
frivolity's.' T he little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's
questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money? After
about an hour or so, the man had calmed down , and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and
he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of
the little boy's room and opened the door. 'Are you asleep, son?' He
asked. 'No daddy, I'm awake,' replied the boy. 'I've been thinking,
maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the man. 'It's been a long
day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you
asked for.'

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you daddy!'
He yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled
up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get
angry again. The little boy slowly counted out hi s money, and then
looked up at his father. 'Why do you want more money if you already
have some?' the father grumbled. Because I didn't have enough, but now
I do,' the little boy replied. 'Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an
hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to
have dinner with you.'

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he
begged for his forgiveness. It's just a short reminder to all of you
working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our
fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to
us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of
your time with someone you love.

If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily
replace us in a matter of hours. But the family & friends we leave
behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.


Can I Borrow $25?