Drafting Guys Over 60

I am over 60 and the  Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be  able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.. 

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.  Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. 

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a  dangerous soldier. "My back hurts!  I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a  while. 

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get  up before 10 a.m. Old guys  always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm  tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing  some fanatical s-of-a-b.... 

If captured we couldn't spill the beans, because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. 

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.  We're use d to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. 

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however; I've been in combat, and I didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. 
  
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. 

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl.  He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. 

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. 

Let  us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing  an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are20already behind them.   

Now, how about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS ! You think Old Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhh my God!!!   
  
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!   

Feel free to share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can  read it.

What are we missing?

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the
violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about
45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated
that thousand of people went through the station, most of them on their way
to work.

Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician
playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried
up to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw
the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but
the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late
for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged
him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally
the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all
the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the
parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for
a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace.
He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one
noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best
musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever
written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a
theater in Boston and the seats average $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station
was organized by the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about
perception, taste and priorities of people.
The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour:
Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the
talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians
in the world playing some of the best music ever written, how many other
things are we missing?

Headlines from 2029

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,
formerly known as California . 

White minorities
still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. 

Spotted Owl plague threatens north western United States crops and livestock. 


 Baby conceived naturally!  Scientists stumped. 

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. 


Iran still closed off;
physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. 

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .  No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! 

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all  smoking.
 

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. 

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. 

Average weight of Americans drops to250 lbs. 

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba. 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. 

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States . 

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for
4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. 

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. 

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. 

New
federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030. 
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. 
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines. 

I LoveThis Country! 
It's The Government That Scares Me!

A sack lunch

 

The Sack Lunches I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a good book to read Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought. Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a conversation. 'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.  'Petawawa. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then we're being deployed to Afghanistan After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time.. As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to base ' His friend agreed. I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a soldier in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.' Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you like best - beef or chicken?' 'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from first class. 'This is your thanks..' After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane, heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here, take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars. Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, an said, 'I want to shake your hand.' Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot.. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers. Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm. When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word. Another twenty-five dollars! Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich. God Bless You.' Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could only give them a couple of meals. It seemed so little... A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America' for an amount of 'up to and including My life.' That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.'

 

 

THE COW & THE ICE CREAM

From a teacher in the Nashville area                           "We are worried about "the cow"                           when it is all about the "Ice Cream"                              The most eye-opening civics                           lesson I ever had was while teaching                           third grade this year. The presidential                           election was heating up and                           some of the children showed an interest.                           I decided we would have an                           election for a class president.                              We would choose our nominees.                           They would make a campaign speech                           and the class would vote.                              To simplify the process, candidates                           were nominated by other class                           members. We discussed what kinds                           of characteristics these students                           should have. We got many nominations                           and from those, Jamie and Olivia                           were picked to run for the top spot.                              The class had done a great                           job in their selections. Both                           candidates were good kids. I thought                           Jamie might have an advantage because                           he got lots of parental support.                           I had never seen Olivia's mother.                              The day arrived when they                           were to make their speeches.                                                        Jamie went first.                           He had specific ideas about                           how to make our class a better                           place. He ended by promising to                           do his very best.                           Everyone applauded and                           he sat down.                                                             Now is was Olivia's turn to speak.                              Her speech was concise.                           She said, "If you will vote for me, I will                           give you ice cream." She sat down.                           The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We                           want ice cream."                              She surely would say more.                           She did not have to. A discussion                           followed. How did she plan to                           pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure.                           Would her parents buy it or would                           the class pay for it. She didn't                           know. The class really didn't care.                           All they were thinking about was                           ice cream.                              Jamie was forgotten.                           Olivia won by a landslide.                              Every time Barack Obama opened                           his mouth he offered ice cream and                           52 percent of the people reacted                           like nine year olds. They want                           ice cream.                                                           The other 48 percent know                           they're going to have to                           feed the cow and clean                           up the mess."