Dangerous Senior

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four
males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags
and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs:
I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!
The four men didn't wait for a second threat.They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get
her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why,
.. it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a
Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she
found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a
car jacking by a mad
elderly woman
described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white
hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story?
If you're going to have a 'Senior Moment', make it memorable...

Best Drunk Story of the Month

BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at
the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a
corner table. He gets  up, staggers to the table,
leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in
the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house
today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His
buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker
and would fight at  the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got
it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I
ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma
liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk
by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and
says....................



'Grandpa;....... Go home!  You're drunk.

Before I was a Mom....

Before I was a Mom: I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations. Before I was a Mom: I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night. Before I was a Mom: I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or Give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously hap py over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep. Before I was a Mom: I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her Down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't Stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom. Before I was a Mom: I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so  Important and happy. Before I was a Mom: I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes To Make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, The wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom. Send this to someone who you think is a special Mom. Including the Person who thought of you today and sent it to YOU... :) Applies doubly to Grandmothers!!!

A fairy Tale

A married couple in their early 60's was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,

"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being so loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.



"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and - POOF! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."


The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - POOF! The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.

Quiz

Here's a little quiz to see how much you remember about some less-than-important things from a few decades back. Even the wrong answers may bring back a memory or two.

Have Fun (but no peeking at the answers!). Then, forward it to friends with your score in the box.



1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster Exercise Machine
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil


2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay


3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...
A. It's you
B.! He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D. It's bad!
E. He's really mean
F. We quit
G. He surrendered


4. Good night, David.
A. Good night, Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good Night, Irene
D. Good Night, Gracie
E. See you later, alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night, Steve



5. You'll wonder where the yellow went,
A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub with Rub-A-Dub-Dub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent



6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend,
A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo



7. Liar, liar...
A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom



8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and...
A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines



9 . Hey, kids, what time is it?
A. It's time for Yogi Bear
B. It's time to do your homework< /FONT>
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's Time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scooby Doo Time



10. Lions and tigers and bears...
A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E. Oh My
F. Help Help
H. Let's run



11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone
A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
F. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu



12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings.
A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway



13. Brylcream...
A. Smear it on
B. You'll smell great
C . Tame that cowlick
D. Greaseball heaven
E. It's a dream
F. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya



14. I found my thrill...
A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill



15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by
A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno



16. Name the Beatles

A. John, Steve, George , Ringo
B. John, Paul, George , Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George , Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George , Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George , Ringo



17. I wonder, wonder, wonder, who
A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?



18. I'm strong to the finish
A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E. And don't you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
g. To outlast Bruto



19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today...
a. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
b. Smile, you're on Star Search
c. Smile, you won the lottery
d. Smile, we're watching you
e. Smile, the world sees you
f. Smile, you're a hit
g. Smile, you're on TV



20. What do M & M's do?
a. Make your tummy happy
b. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
c. Make you fat
d. Melt your heart
e. Make you popular
f. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
g. Come in colors



Okay, now scroll down for the answers!
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Okay, that's it. Here are the right answers.

1 d - Wonder Bread
2 g - Cassius Clay
3 b - He Is Us
4 a - Good night, Chet
5 g - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6 d - Maynard G. Krebbs
7 c - Pants On Fire
8 f - The American Way
9 c - It's Howdy Doody Time
10 e - Oh My
11 d - Over 30
12 c - Joe Namath
13 g - A little dab'll do ya
14 g - On Blueberry Hill
15 b - Mary Martin
16 g - John, Paul, George , Ringo
17 d - Who wrote the book of Love
18 b - Cause I eats me spinach
19 a - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
20 f - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand


Don't forget to put your score in the subject line when you forward this on.