IDP Day!!!

Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day.

Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend...just as I've done.

I don't care if you lick windows, screw farm animals, take the short bus or occasionally shit yourself...

You hang in there sunshine, you're fricking special.

Top 12 Country Songs

12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.

11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass All Day.

10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.

8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

7. I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

5. I'm So Miserable without you, It's like You're Still Here.

4. If I Had Shot You When I F irst wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By now.

3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.

2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.

And the number 1 Country Song is:

1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few.

Got Education?

Ok, ok...  Here are what some important people have said about education...

------
"The founding fathers in their wisdom decided that children were an unnatural strain on their parents.  So they provided jails called school, equipped with tortures called education."  John Updike

"Education is the state-controlled manufactory of echoes."  Norman Douglas

"I am always ready to learn, but I do not always like being taught."  Winston Churchill

"School days, I believe, are the unhappiest in the whole span of human existence.  They are full of dull, unintelligible tasks, new and unpleasant ordinances, and brutal violations of common sense and common decency."  H.L. Mencken

"You cannot teach a person anything; you can only help him find it within himself."  Galileo

"There is too much education altogether, especially in American schools."  Albert Einstein

"I never let schooling interfere with my education."  Mark Twain
------

Hmm... makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Drive Safely!

Read This Slowly

 

Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often?

 

When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.

 

Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.

 

Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.

 

"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."

 

"Hello, Jack." No smile.

"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids."

"Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed uncertain. Good.

 

"I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -just this once."

 
Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?" "I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct ." Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics.

"What'd you clock me at?"

"Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?"

"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.

"Please, Jack, in the car"

 

Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window.

The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad.

 

Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license?

 

Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.

 

"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.

 

Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost?

 

Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke?

Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:

"Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it- a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters, all three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again.

A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful, Jack, my son is all I have left."

 

"Bob"

Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

 

Life is precious. Handle with care. This is an important message; please pass it along to your friends. Drive safely and carefully. Remember, cars are not the only things recalled by their maker.

Do the Math

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
!
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 ! = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.



"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE
ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS
ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM"